Kween's~Kaleidoscope

The "List"

2012-01-04T21:46:00.001-05:00

Well, well, well...looky what we have here! While cleaning my room (to move to another space) I found "the list". Hand-written on 5x7" college-ruled paper...about *counting*... 6 of those pages long (only front, no back)...in black roller ball ink.

I'd been mulling over "love" and it's fascinating parts. Those wonderful and agonizing parts, that make it something people either want with their last breath or hate to think about with their entire being. Having been through my fair share of "debacles" I honestly had been talking ~~to myself aloud~~ about how I was going to focus on ME again. Get back to ME...and learn how to live a life full of family and friends...blessings, triumphs and reversals...and more blessings. I wasn't going to let any man looking to "conquer the Kween" love down my sentries again until it felt indisputably right. I think with all of my past involvements, there was always some sense of, "Ugh...do I even like this dude?" in the beginning. I had to be won over...chased and tackled damn near, instead of a slow chase with sure signs of love amiss. I believe that the guy for me will win me over almost immediately. THAT is how I will know it's him, because with EACH guy I've fallen for...there was always some sense of dislike for him immediately and THEN he got me. Even if I didn't dislike him per se...it was more like I spotted something that would come between us, ignored it eventually...only to be reminded of that very thing later as the relationship died.

Anywho...I've decided to share this list with you all. Perhaps, I found it for a reason. We'll see ;)...don't be shy...tell me what you think about it (It's not in any particular order; except that first one):

God-fearing
Independent
Sociable
Honest
Over Past Loves
Perseveres (?) lol
A leader who knows when to follow (lol, clearly my kween tendencies kicking in)
Motivated
Dedicated
"Normal" relationship with mom (must respect her)
No addictions
Non-possessive
Patient
Established financially (or well on his way)...(funny how I compromised this in the past)
Ambitious
Handsome
Well-groomed
Tall
Knows how to please me
He must compliment me, NOT complete me
My dreams must be as important to him as his are [to me]
A love maker...not a sex addict
NO LONG TERM SCREWING AROUND!
Loves music, poetry and art
We can duet together <---I'm over this
We should be each other's best friend
I must like him, like I love him
Tender Kisses that I can feel deep in my soul
Must not feel the need to be searching elsewhere for something more
Satisfied with home ^^^
No one more than 10 years older and 5 years younger <---broke THAT rule in half
Non-argumentative (for sport, I mean)
Someone who will see his soul in my eyes; I can look in his and see mine
He must have his own life; I cannot and will not be his be all to end all and likewise
Someone who loves my smile
Snazzy dresser (giggling at the word snazzy)
Money-wise
Spends quality time with me
Non-smoker
Moderate drinker
Healthy man, free from infection (oh so serious and yet, that made me giggle)
His family will love me like their own and vice versa
SPARKS MUST FLY AS SOON AS I SEE HIM
Someone who won't mind pursuing me
Someone who will be appreciative of me
Loves to read
Sweet nature
Serious when necessary, silly when we want to be
Loves to cuddle
Neat and clean but not anal (again with the giggles)
Creative
Not afraid to commit
Single - no married, involved or engaged men
If divorced, must be totally emotionally detached from ex (would appreciate financial, physical, spiritual and mentally as well)
If he has kids, must be responsible but must know how to prioritize me and any family we have
Monogamous
Must make toes curl and eyes light up (clearly, I was looking for sparks of all kinds, lol)
Respectful
Warm & Sensitive
Strong
Enduring
Humorous
Has a business mind
Well-educated
Good listener
Responsible
Considerate & thoughtful
Not afraid to communicate
Non-controlling
Not abusive (on ANY level)
Loyal (damn I was repeating myself, lol)
Fair-minded
Logical
Not afraid to show emotions
Sexual but not perverse
Respects my sexuality
Willing to compromise
Secure in his masculinity
Ethical/Moral
Wonderful provider
Protective
Fun conversationalist
Spontaneous
Adventurous
Loves me for me
Spiritual, but not fanatically <----broke this one, too
Humble
SANE!!!
Generous
Sensual
Romantic
Loves knowledge and how to acquire it

So, there ya go. Excuse the redundancy in certain areas...clearly there are things that stick out to me and matter to me more than other things. A lot has changed and I can say a lot of this stuff is negotiable with me...some isn't.

So, what do you think of my list and have you ever made one of your own? Do you think they work or are necessary? Are we boxed in by these types of things?

Looking Back to Move Forward

2011-12-31T01:01:00.000-05:00

~sigh~

It's interesting that my current state of introspection coincides with the new year. For me, it has less to do with the actual chronological year as it does the series of events that have taken place up til now. This shit could've happened in the middle of summer and I'd be tapping my fingers and scratching my head.

I had a lot of fun in 2011 and a little pain. I honestly think I had more fun than pain. It just so happens that the pain ended the year. No biggie...I'm made from strong stuff and therefore I am resilient. I've learned something that is hard for me...that some people don't deserve entry into our lives. Persistence is not always persistence....but, annoying determination. Some people only persist for the challenge and not the actual desire to be close to you. I often forget that most people's intentions are never as honest or forthcoming as my own. Lesson learned.

In this year...2011 brought healing to special people in my life. My cousin is almost 100% cancer-free and my sister~friend IS 100% cancer-free. I have others in my life that struggled with their health but I believe in prayer and miracles. I found out a friend of mine from high school succumbed to cancer a few years ago and I was heartbroken. I dreamed of her and another friend for years...often feeling something wasn't right. One, I touched based with on Facebook a few years ago and her health has turned around tremendously...while the other, whom I could never find...passed without my even knowing...before I could see how life had treated her.

Rest In Peace, Autumn...

I've learned that sometimes my kindness IS weakness. I need to remember that while I'm mindlessly bonding and enjoying the people I meet...some people are simply figuring out what they can gain from me. I've got to keep my eyes as open as my heart is and in turn close my mind to some things. Yes, I said CLOSE MY MIND. I jokingly say to my sista Joy that I don't think outside of the box because there IS NO box for me...but, perhaps I need to sit a little box nearby for the discarding of things...or perhaps as a treasure keeper...just to remind me of what's at stake. What can be lost. Perhaps then...my perspective will be less abstract and more logical. Less optimistic and more opportunistic. I try to be of this world but not IN it...trying to keep myself from being swept up in the ideals and expectations of society...but, sometimes I've got to be honest with myself and acknowledge that there are many who do live that credo and therefore box me in whether I want to be or not. As an artist, I'm constantly fighting to be free to be me...but at times, that fight leaves me alienated.

Everything from how I think, to how I speak, to how I look...determines what's drawn to me. The good and the bad. I can't disregard what's bad just because I'd rather see the good. There are times when assholes will filter in and it's up to me to put up the force field of protection to keep them from embedding themselves into me like a parasite underneath the skin.

This year has been a blessing in so many ways. I bonded with someone that I didn't expect in a million years. My girl Tei came out of nowhere and stole my friendship heart. She's become an intricate piece of fabric in my chosen family quilt. I've got a handful of wonderful people in my life who have had my back throughout it all. Whether I speak to them everyday or not...they love me and give me their all. As my ex loved to say, "Fair exchange is no robbery".

I don't do New Year's resolutions anymore. I said recently to my mom that everyday...EVERY day that we wake up is a new year because we saw this day last year. 2012 is a new year for the calendars...but it's just another day for me to get it right. For me to be closer to achieving the full circle lessons and being blessed to level up and be that much more on the right path to divine purpose.

God bless you all...I've loved you from the start...I'll love you 'til the end.

Happy New Years!!!

Love, Thee Kween :)

And In Conclusion...

2011-12-22T21:43:00.002-05:00

...I think that I've finally wrapped my mind around the fact that relationships aren't for me.

I've championed the cause of love for years...and honestly, I still do believe that love is there for others. I just don't think that there's a man out there for me.

Ever felt this way? NOTHING works out? Not the up close and personal tries...not the long-distance Internet tries...nothing. I'm either a magnet for Lotharios who live proudly in the life of lying and manipulating or the ones who start out with bachelor tendencies and settle down with the NEXT chick. (Starting to feel like "Good Luck Charlie").

I've decided that the life I have is enough...

Well, technically...for so long (save moments of wanderlust and yearning in the quiet of my own life) I've been by myself. I haven't been in an on-going "relationship" since 2002. I've spent the last 9 years dating, falling in love with a couple of guys online and more or less being skimmed over by Cupid's dastardly bow. There's no other way to put it then that the problem HAS to be me.

I'm not taking blame for the liars, cheaters, manipulators, or fuck-offs. I'm simply saying that I understand the dynamic of relationships enough to know that "folks ain't just picking on me". There's clearly a lesson I'm lacking to learn here and I'm gonna spend the rest of my life learning it if I don't go back into my "spiritual lab" and reconfigure some chemical atoms that make up my combustive love life.

I've GOT to be doing something wrong y'all...so, I've decided a few things:

~> No more flirting online or off. Flirting gets you into trouble...especially when you've gone so long between relationships. The fiery enthralling of flirtatious fervor can make your lady parts burn with desire...and your brain cells burn out from the shit that comes with it. So, go 'head...nothing to see here.

~> NO more online friendships with men are to be initiated or welcomed. I have a couple of guy friends whom I care for and the truth is...we're better off as friends. Neither of them have ever expressed a desire to be with me and though we've probably had some minor chemistry at one point...we've elected mutually to have our friendship and be okay with it. If you're not already down with "thee crown"...that's it. Sorry...can't help ya.

~> Continue on the BEAUTIFUL path of self-love, friend and familial love I'd been on earlier in the summer of 2011 before I became "distracted". I was feeling my freedom and digging my heels into finally being over the ex for going on a year or more...and I don't think I basked in that enough.

~> Follow my gut. I have my own standards and they are mine. My friends have theirs. I can't be convinced to "give anyone a chance" when everything is screaming no. If my instincts say no, follow them. I can't pacify friends and family so they feel like I'm not settling on loneliness. I actually ENJOY my dang company. Those who REALLY know me, know that I will disappear for a few days and it'll have NOTHING to do with being sad or depressed. I'm somewhere singing at the top of my lungs, writing, watching movies and being some kinda creative. :)

It's not that I'm giving up. I know it seems that way...but the truth is that, I'm accepting the stumbles as a clue to have a seat...a fancy seat...a THRONE. Once I do that...maybe...JUST maybe...God will seat my king beside me without my even realizing that's what He was doing.

For now...Love...I'll have to admire you from afar in the arms of lovers passing. ~blows kisses~

Child, Please...

2011-12-21T23:42:00.001-05:00

I was a child once...we all were. (Some of us still are, but that's another blog) We've all been there with new eyes, spirit and perceptions. Our parents, our first impression of "God" and the guidance we get from them. Even at times we felt abandoned (as sometimes humans do when they feel their prayers aren't answered) when our parents didn't measure up. We've all experienced a sense of being young and lost. Either way...childhood is something to be preserved and enjoyed. No child should feel like they've exchanged roles with their parents and are caretakers, mediators or examples in their tender age.

Yet, that's what happens when adults acting like children allow their break up to affect their sense of reason and sacrifice as a parental unit. You shouldn't pretend that there isn't anything wrong...but, it shouldn't feel like the battle of all battles when you and your ex step in a room. Your child shouldn't feel like the prize in a tug-of-war.

QUIT USING CHILDREN AS GET BACK! PAWNS! LEVERAGE! QUIT IT...RIGHT NOW!!!

HOW do you know (just in case you're THAT damned oblivious) that you're using your kid as a pawn?

You ask your child questions about your ex's activity. Including, but not limited to...who they're seeing, where they go, what they say about YOU, etc.
You bar your ex from seeing their child (if you're a custodial parent) for no other reason than they either didn't want YOUR ass, didn't comply with some petty request or you just "felt like it". Your child should NOT have to suffer because you're being a bratty child yourself. Didn't get what you wanted out of the relationship?...too bad. What you DID get is a beautiful child who has a right to see and experience BOTH of their parents...unless your ex is a pedophile, criminal or has missed more visits with them than they've kept. (That kind of inconsistency can be heartbreaking)
You teach your child to lie. You do this when you make up reasons [in front of them] for them not being able to see your ex. When you lie [in front of them] about why. When you tell your child things to sway their affections. BAD mom/dad...BAD BAD mom/dad!

These are just a few...but, you get it.

I know of a few different scenarios where people have/are used/using their children as pawns:

`A man whose ex-wife is so vindictive that her actions can only be deemed as evil. From trumped up charges of harassment, calling him crazy which required psych evaluation, keeping his son from him for months at a time while actively harassing him and his new girlfriend with phone calls and emails. She's also exhibited signs that she wants him back...or at least, doesn't want anyone to have him. She's even taken to dressing like his current girlfriend even though his girl's style has never been his ex-wife's style. O__O

`A woman whose husband refuses to divorce her, but is fighting for custody of their child. What kind of ass backward, shaken baby syndrome, fuckshit is that? How don't you want to let someone go, but want to take the child you share? I'll tell you...he's fucking PSYCHO! He wants her in some twisted way, yet because he knows she doesn't want HIM...he tortures her with the one thing he can. The marriage. Her desire to be free by name and law. Their daughter is just a pawn. I'm all but 100% certain this man has traumatized their daughter with his barrage of questions about where her mother is, who she's with, if she's dating, etc. All of this while training their child to "blame" her for everything that's wrong. Absolutely disgusting, I tell you.

`I also have a friend whose child's mother is SO hung up on what they DIDN'T have (in spite of her being married for several years) that she's been plotting with her husband to steal his rights. All he wants is to be a father...and she's so twisted she can't nor does she care to see that.

PEOPLE!!! Get your life right. I am honestly taken aback by the selfishness of jilted and angry adults who refuse to see that the children should be the focus of their lives. How the moment you brought children into the world, it was no longer ALL about YOU! Whatever didn't go wrong with your ex, whatever it is you think they've done wrong...the children deserve the best possible environment you can give them. If you have to wear a straight face, so the baby can see daddy...so be it. Cry in your bed later for missing him...but, for goodness sake...don't not answer his calls. The baby will grow up and be a resentful adult and you WILL be blamed.

Child, PLEASE...

The Elephant In The Room

2011-12-20T14:04:00.000-05:00

I'm walking out of Dunkin Donuts...coffee in hand...

I see a brotha in the corner on the phone...eyeing the slim chick walking toward the counter. I spy him...he ogles her...he doesn't see me. I giggle and shake my head.

That woman didn't see him anymore than he saw me...and in my head I'm thinking, "Damn shame."

Why? Well it's because I see it all of the time. Some scruffy looking dude is all up in some thin chick's mug and she's paying him no mind...and a big woman [such as myself] sees him and he doesn't see her.

Mind you, I'm simply an observer. I see a lot...I won't say everything, but I do catch a lot that people don't. That often gets labeled as me being overly analyzing..but, that's not it. I just catch the damnedest shit. This is no different.

Recently, it's been very obvious to me about the whole weight issue. I've got good reason to believe that I've been skimmed over a number of times due to my weight. It doesn't matter how un-sexy, unattractive or equally pudgy a dude is...he gets to choose the slimmer version of me, whilst my pickings are slim...no pun intended. It's kind of what my sister Joy was asking on a Facebook status earlier this morning...

"okay, I'm confused about a few things. now, don't get me wrong, I'm all about that out of the box thinking. I'm sure this one has been explained before, but I still don't get it.

here it goes: why do women have to keep a man?! someone explain this to me. when is the last time you heard someone say, "he can't keep a woman?!" o_O why is it our sole responsibility to keep this man fed, sexed up, taught, encouraged, entertained, and what not?! mind you, the man is usually the one chasing the woman. so once you catch us we gotta keep you entertained for your troubles? lol OH OKAY! his work is done...he can go sit his ass down..HA! ok. someone..anyone..please help me understand this one." ~ Humble BE aka Joy

Now, what she said is indirectly linked to what I'm saying. Men aren't ever truly worried about the prospects of dating. We're pressed to find ways to "keep a man". Whether that be, having a slim figure, be an "independent woman whose got her own", a freak, a chef, a mom, a nurse...you get it. We've got to embody EVERY thing that man may want in order to keep HIM...even if he's lacking in several of these departments himself. Why should he though? A lot of women are so desperate to be a part of a couple that they'll shoulder that responsibility AND the blame that comes with it failing. Men have it easier in the dating department. Period.

That thin chick didn't see that dude in DD...but, does he really care? I mean, chances are...that he'll have 8 more options...and half will consider him. He can do this all day. Meet several women, try his hand, fail and have 8 more options...that's the way it is. Imagine the plight of the "big girl". If the average woman is in a line up of 9 women...and has a 1 in 9 chance of snagging a dude, consider the statistics of a woman carrying some extra rolls and the stigma that comes along with it.

How you gone like pears and troll for apples? Shoot for the moon, mofo!

I've seen the topic debated numerous times...how being big is unhealthy and how one has to be attracted to the outside as well as the inside. I'm so sick of it. Honestly, in this life if someone gives you love from the bottom of their hearts you'd be BLESSED to be on the receiving end. People want perfection and instant gratification and it's selfish. Period! Relationships are a journey of growing and understanding each other...loving in spite of flaws and short-comings. All of those conditions are what keep relationships failing.

Yet, it's the preliminaries...it's the visual that leads the way. It's sad that in this society a sub par man with "okay" aesthetics is going to bide his time with the big girl until the slim one comes along to fulfill his ultimate desires, all while making him look good as his arm candy. A man is going to dream of Jeannie and settle for Endora until Jeannie blinks in his direction. Well, the big girl has feelings too...she doesn't want to be anyone's second choice. Why does she get to inherit a man's issues with superficiality, when she deserves to be seen at the core for what she is? I can respect a man or woman's preference to be with whomever they want...but, when you're not hitting on shit and you settle at what YOU believe is the bottom of the pile, I lose respect. People saying how they want someone with substance, someone who can see them for exactly who they are, but they're looking at the other person's frame as a deal-breaker before they even get to know if this person is everything they HAVEN'T dreamed of. As a matter of fact...they may miss out on what GOD has presented them with. I for one am not losing weight so I can say I have someone. The one for me is going to see past the weight and love Kali.

I desire for a man to look me in my eye...into my soul...and see who I am. Why should I be thrown up against a wall, weighed and measured...before someone decides that I'm worthy of his time? Someone whose soul is probably more unattractive than my supposed overweight body...gets to determine my worth? Oh, no you don't. I'm a whole lotta woman...more so because of my attributes and heart. My body is secondary to my inner person. God made me and everyday I do my very best to treat people the way He would want me to. I embrace folks regardless of what thing sits on the surface. Who is to say that your love can't be the impetus for someone's life change. Who knows what would happen if a person were to be 100% embraced by love? One might inspire someone to hit the treadmill on the highest setting!

Remember THIS though...

ANYTHING can happen. The judgment you cast upon someone else can be the very condition you incur. I once knew someone who looked down on a domestic situation I had in my 20's. One day, I looked up and her then situation wasn't much different. I'd triumphed over mine...I wonder where she is? I pray not in the same place.

We have a right to want what we want...I'd just hope that while wanting what you want...you reflect your desires. Be what you want...otherwise, you're just another fool batting out of your league.

*chick walked right past his ass, too* LOL

Dead To The World: Joyce Vincent

2011-12-19T20:31:00.000-05:00

Joyce Carol Vincent...

A seemingly vibrant, educated, multi-talented and mysteriously intriguing woman...dies...and no one notices.

This story is making it's rounds. Blogged by many, I'm sure this story will reach to the recesses of the Internet's farthest corners, which is almost ironic. Considering that no one missed her for three years in this information age of communication is mind-blowing...yet after she's gone her story gives her infamy.

Is that the world we live in? As a life...a breathing body of God's work...holds no value until it's a posthumous story of sensationalism? Is that an indicator of how self-absorbed we are as a society? We're c o n s u m e d by iPods, iPads, iPhones, iMacs...hmm, "I" everything, huh? With the personal computer, the webcam, texts instead of calls, emails instead of actual post cards or letters...we as a world are BEHIND the computer screens and not out in front of life? So, even if Joyce had a social media page...because of the jet-set life she led, she STILL wouldn't have been missed. Her absence would've been chalked up to normalcy.

We are so absorbed with ease and instant gratification. People can get engrossed with the simplicity of the high tech world and dislodge themselves too easily. Imagine a woman who probably only used a computer for work...her only communication being person to person and infrequent at that. She was a virtual blip in the life she led. Remember "The Net" starring Sandra Bullock? She was such a loner that she wasn't missed when her life was being fooled with. She could've disappeared and no one would've really thought twice. Most hadn't ever laid eyes on her. She was a name...a forgetful one. Her mother had dementia, her one good friend got killed on the way to see her and the doctor whom she'd fallen for hadn't been in contact for years because of conflict of interest. She almost dropped off the face of the earth without a care from anyone...

...but, Joyce was REAL. Joyce KNEW people. She had SEVERAL circles of friends who have mostly wonderful things to say about her in retrospect. Mostly everyone saw her as this hauntingly beautiful woman who had everything women strive to be. Looks, Intelligence, Charisma...a lust for LIFE. Or perhaps that's it. It wasn't a lust for life she had...but a wanderlust for escapism that wasn't ever quenched. She had a wonderful job at a world-renowned company, Ernst & Young. She was touted to have a beautiful singing voice...and a desire to be a star. She rubbed elbows with the elite...Nelson Mandela being just one of them. She craved the love life that a lot of women do...but, seemed to draw dysfunction to herself. She clearly had spent time estranged from her family...enough so that not even THEY missed her. She had most of the material and personable qualities to make someone popular...all except the power to evoke thoughts of concern.

HOW...how is it that people can be so disconnected from one another? I know we have lives of our own, ups and downs, preoccupations with one thing or another...but, how does a woman who is fun, energetic, and popular...fade into the night. Alone. In an apartment...with the TV on. For THREE years.

That's another thing. Joy and I pontificated back and forth about it. We played with the idea of foul play. Perhaps one of those jilted loves...abusive and relentless...the reason for her being in a shelter at one time...exacted revenge. Yet, how does that explain the electric and rent paid for so long that no one...not even a landlord or a utility serviceman...would come knocking? Was she paying her rent so far in advance because she WAS a jet-setter? Wanting to make sure that she had a place to return to after traveling so many places? Or was her rent paid to keep someone from suspecting her demise? I'm also quite amazed that pathologists couldn't conclude a cause of death...when archaeological scientists determine the deaths of many unearthed skeletons everyday. There's NO way to determine cause of death for a 3yr old skeleton...but, there's science to gather evidence for one that's over 300,000 yrs old? O___o #forensics #youredoingitwrong

I read this story twice. Once alone and again aloud to Joy on her visit here. As I read it the second time, this woman's story penetrated my soul...Joy's too. We both wondered if that could be us. It's a natural question I suppose, but I know better. I have gone a significant amount of time between speaking to my family...but, if I lived alone and no one had heard from me in just three MONTHS...folks would start showing up. Hell...give me three WEEKS with no phone answered? No sight online? Yea...someone's kicking down my door. This I know.

So, why not her? Is it because people...in their own attempt to fit in and ingratiate themselves in a life apart from their day to day grind, also mask their inner self? I know a few people who have internet personas that do not mesh with their true selves. People make their life better than it is with description and attitude not realizing that they're making themselves unreachable to other people's hearts and minds. Anyone can be beautiful, smart, full of "joie de vivre"...but if that's all anyone knows, what's the point? No one can say how your heart worked, what brought you thus far, what has shaped you...because you're not vulnerable to life. You're closed off and giving people the shiny top and not the rusty parts. Maybe...Joyce losing her mom at the age of 11 scarred her. Being raised by her father and four older sisters...is it possible she was the bane of their existence? Did her sisters envy her? What caused this woman to unhinge herself from a family and be an anonymous face? Was it the shame of her situation? Aspirations to rise above her upbringing, accomplishing most of her goals...but, being subjected to abusive relationships? ~sigh~

I hope that in seeing the movie, "Dreams of A Life" by Carol Morley (the author of the story I read, here) ...will give insight. Maybe the bits of pieces of the people she impacted in some way...will come together and give her not only a face...but, a life to be remembered. God willing...if nothing else, the story will inspire people to become more involved, more inquisitive when forming friendships and check after one another. After all...we are our brothers' keepers.

Here is the trailer for the movie...

Dreams of a Life Trailer from Dogwoof Documentary on Vimeo.

Brand New

2011-12-13T13:12:00.000-05:00

There's a saying among my people..."She/he is acting BRAND new..." If you're unfamiliar with this colloquialism...it's meant to infer that someone has "forgotten themselves". There are a few specific instances where people MOSTLY forget themselves and act "brand new":

~ They get some money
~ They get MORE money
~ They get a new house, car, etc.
~ They get a new mate O__0 (Yea...I'm talking to you)

Now, let me go ahead and get the bullshit out of the way. I am NOT bitter. I am justifiably pissed off. Those two things are vastly different. When someone has used your friendship and love as a tool, betrays your bond and then turns around and wants to remain friends (which is code for, "Please don't get mad at me and make me feel bad")...there's something that kicks up in me that gets disgusted and appalled by the audaciousness of some folks CLEARLY high off their own supply.

So, what has prompted me to write this is as much a cathartic necessity as it is a source of "info-tainment" for you all. I love that I can come here, share my world (if I so choose) and know you all are going to be honest, open and respectful as you read and comment. ~mwah~ ;)

Anywho...When you are someone's friend, intended love, family member, etc...you build up a base of honesty and trust. From that other traits of bonding are birthed, which causes endearment. Time and energy spent insinuating yourself into someone's heart and soul...should be valued to the tune of invaluable. Someone, willing to allow you access to their heart and happiness...should be considered and given the utmost respect. I take no one in my life lightly. If God saw fit for us to be a part of each other's lives...I do everything within my power to keep those ties tightly bound with love and all that encompasses it. Does it always work? Of course it doesn't, but that's my hope.

What I know is not to expect that everyone is like me. I don't expect people to do what I do, feel how I feel or react the way I would. Yet, there is SOME sense of expectancy in a relationship of give and take (which is why unconditional love is so hard to attain.) When a person presents themselves as capable and starts off on the right foot...it is disconcerting when they drop the ball and pretend it never happened. I try my best to be accountable for my actions. If I hurt you, I'd hope you would tell me. Whether I intended to or not, believed I did or not...I'm going to apologize and take stock of my mistake so as not to repeat it. When someone hurts me...I often find that most aren't willing to do the same. Having said all of this...when someone you trust is ALL in (to the point of going so hard you question it's sincerity) and then abandons your friendship/love all because they've found something better, more convenient, newer...it leaves a bad taste.

The "brand new" comparison comes in RIGHT here...

Some people are so inherently selfish that when they're in friendships/relationships...they THINK they're giving of themselves, but what they're offering is base attention and not deep affection. When someone does something consistently in a superficial or let's call it...in a more habitual manner...it can mask itself as the consistency that reinforces love. Yet, in order to be in any kind of love relationship one has to be in touch with who they are and understand what love is. What their OWN worth is...so that when doling out love in an exchange, they will have something to measure it against. That way, self love is readying you to give that very thing you desire and deserve to those around you. In other words, treating people the way you want to be treated.

So when some of the selfish folks get what they need/want...or accomplish a goal of intimacy or conquest...they move on. Moving on is fine, but you should remember to never burn that bridge. You never know if what you got from that person is something you may need to tap into again. For anyone to shrug off justified anger and hurt because they don't want to be held accountable, don't want to feel the discomfort of having a mirror held to them...is simply cruel, cold and irresponsible. We are indeed responsible for the feelings of those we care for and if you don't feel that way, then perhaps you need to reassess your heart space. So to then bask joyfully in their new life choice as if they haven't done a thing wrong...is acting "brand new".

Remember this...You can TRY to create a flawless future all you like, but you may also want to make amends with your peppered past. Don't think for one moment that your current happiness with your "newness" is under Karma's radar. That chick has a GPS on all assholes, bitchasses and wrong-doers. You'd better PRAY that your new found shiny outer coating is gleaming bright enough to blind her to your ways. Then again...she CAN smell fear.

Oh, you thought you weren't fearful? Yes...oh, yes...most selfish folks are FEARFUL. They fear rejection, loneliness, judgment, accountability, etc. That's why ~~like thieves~~ they get in...and get out, doing their best to not leave anything behind. Eventually, though...you always get nabbed. Especially if you believe in a higher power...you have to answer for your deeds. You have to live with yourself when there's not a thing around you except the sound of your own heart beating, your mind's ticking and God. Not so brand new anymore, right?

Knowing When To Go

2011-11-25T00:28:00.001-05:00

"Sometimes it's not the person who changed, but the situation that changed the way the person behaves" ~Me

I haven't blogged "me" in a while... I decided perhaps I needed a forum to relax, relate and release into. ~long exhale~

I feed off of energy...or not. You give me pure positivity...I return that. If you give me negativity...I don't return it, I just deflect it with appropriate and positive reaction. Self-preservation is a necessary quality for humans. No one should always be 100% selfless unless the cause is so much bigger than them that their energy is less energy and more vessel for God's gift. Examples of that are found in the life works of Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King Jr. I am not any of these people. I'm nice. I love people. I dig helping, but I can't be as self-sacrificing as I once was. I'm on that shit nowadays. (See, Mother T wouldn't have said that).

I noticed that over the course of a few years...friendships/relationships had changed or ended. One or two I regret the WAY it ended, but am good with where I am. Having said that...I know something about myself. I've known this since I was a teenager. When I feel like I've done all I can to bring a situation to the table or my attempts were foiled, etc...I decided RIGHT then and there that I'm done. Even if, I communicate with the person...I still hold a sense of reserve. When people do dumb and unnecessary shit especially, I fold up my emotional tent and leave. Why should I stick around when it's been made clear to me that you're either full of shit, selfish or both? Not happening. I used to. My last "relationship" was entertained FAR beyond the breaking point. That shit should have stayed gone once I found out that he was making plans to see the chick. BOOM! Yet, I was too busy trying to salvage the friendship portion of what we had and that, too was crap. Friends don't do what he did...so he wasn't fit for that position either.

THAT is what I learned hardest that go-round. Friends don't lie, manipulate, mislead, disrespect, cross boundaries of trust, etc. They are supposed to be your "checks and balance". If I gotta keep "checking" and "balancing" your ass about how you're treating ME...nah uh. I don't have time to emotionally babysit anyone.

Once the dynamic is changed, for whatever trite reason...I let it be. If I go a period of time without speaking to you and the distance was more shade than space...once we DO speak, I am NOT gonna hang my heart out for you. I will treat you generically. If the SPIRIT hits me that we can begin again I will open up slowly. I will fa SHO pray on it...but, I will weigh up the truth of how things happened and the growth of us both.

I don't have it in me anymore to allow crap to hang in limbo. Once you show me your lack of concern for me...the friendship...I start throwing my little ideas, affections, and cute emotions into my carry on and start for the door. That's the NEW me.

I leave you with this...

"People do what they WANT to do."

"Love is verb doing!"

"Never make someone a priority who makes you their option"

Cliches...but, true.

~Peace~

The Vernon

2011-11-14T20:00:00.001-05:00

Heavy's death made me think on my hometown...

For the longest time, I had beef with where I grew up. I suppose it has more to do with the fact that I was an outsider mostly and didn't much fit in. I always ended up befriending people much older than me because my peers often teased me for being a goody two shoes or a nerd. It didn't help much though...I ended up being teased for being the younger, more sensitive one.

I DO have memories that were pure and beautiful...

Living in the "projects" when it was still clean, respectable, and safe. How us kids were watched by the adults in the park and not preyed on. We were timed by the street lights, but not limited to them. If there were adults on the park bench, my grandmother would just holla out of her 2nd floor window and ask someone to keep an eye on me. "No problem, Mrs. Gunn..."

I remember playing in the grassy "quartered fields" of the PJ's park. The five buildings faced three different blocks. The back of the buildings was connected by a round concrete walk, where the five buildings' paths connected. In the middle of it all was four parts of grass, fenced off into triangles. Two big ones, two smaller ones...which made for football, baseball, kickball, dodge ball fields for us kids. The girls made up cheers on the side while the guys played ball of whatever nature...but don't get it twisted. Us girls got involved! We played "touch" football *lmao* with the guys. Sheesh...I can remember going hard...trying to score a touchdown (thinking this was the object of the game) when all of the older kids are on the field kinda...well, rolling around and flirting. Here I am, spiking a football...when the "cute" girls are fighting off tickles and hugs. ~sigh~ Always the quarterback never the hot cheerleader...lol

I remember when Halloween was safe. When we played "ladder"...a game where we started at the 10th floor and systematically went down floor to floor ringing doorbells and running. HAHA! I remember when we all had monkey bar races (the iron "skeleton" house familiar to older parks) where we'd do "TEN FLIPS HERE...RUN TO THE OTHER SIDE, DO FIVE THERE, COME BACK AND DO TEN!" ...lawd...we ended up dizzy mostly. I've won plenty of them. (Might be why I ain't right, lol) I remember playing "Red Devil"...wow. I just had a flashback. ::pausing for some emotion:: I remember my "cousin" Abdrice (Ab-dreece) ~Rest In Peace~...we called him Drice...used to hate to play that game with me. I was a pretty fast runner. Red Devil is when a bunch of kids sit on the bench (ready to run) having picked a color...as the main person yells, "RED DEVIL, RED DEVIL, WHAT COLOR ARE YOU?" ...then they'd yell out a color. If they yelled your color...you had to run around a quarter of the grass (described above) and if you got caught...you became the Red Devil and had to chase folks until you caught someone. I ALWAYS caught Drice...I caught MOST, but HE hated it. lol. I remember how the city's recreational department would come through during the summer, set up a stage and put on a production for us. We had a good time...we really did.

I had WONDERFUL memories as a kid...but my adolescence sucked a little. From unrequited love to rumors of me being a big ass liar (It is NEVER fun for a boy to deny being with you...especially when he's supposed to be your best friend AND your first). I wasn't a Gucci/Fendi bag-carrying, Guess jean-having, Owning every color of the rainbow Reebok-wearing, Fly girl. I was your average kid whose parents worked and gave me decent clothes. Add being what now is considered "thick" to the mix and that geek shit and you have a tortured kid. I couldn't stand folks at times. You never knew who your friend was because EVERY thing you said got reported and contorted. Most of the stuff folks said I said, I didn't say...and honestly...what I did say went over a lot of folks' heads. Being smart is lonely....no one ever gets you. I'm sure I had my moments where I said something wrong, but shit...we all did...we were kids. I always seem to be the scapegoat. Not much has changed either...except, well...I call you on your shit now. I'm surely not 14 anymore.

I had my light moments...my shining points of growing up. I had my darker moments, too. I suppose such is life, ya know? What I do love about where I grew up is that there are things indigenous to JUST Mt. Vernon and the small townships surrounding it that make it special. No one knows about Shabazz' Philly Burgers or their fish sandwiches. How my mom made their banana pudding for the longest time. No one knows what "Ronelle's"and "Chamber's" was. Or H & L Greens. I dare you to say you know something about one of the best donut shops in the COUNTY (the name is escaping me right now). How shopping on 4th Ave. was everyone's bright spot come the new school year and summer. We had one of THE best marching bands for our high school. The parades were HOT! *reminiscing on the MLK band*. Still to this day, Mt. Vernon High School has the boss basketball team and the Razorbacks (football) still kicks major ass!!

Yea...Hev put us on the map. No doubt. He gave us pride...yet, there was always SOME thing to be proud of. I pray there still is. I'm allergic to Mt. Vernon these days. LOL I have no desire to return for any reason other than to see my one remaining grandmother or my dad, uncles, etc. Hanging there isn't my thing. Perhaps I'll always be an outsider *shrugs*...one thing is for sure...I will remember those days when Mt. Vernon made being a kid the BOMB!

It's where I'm from...you know?

Larger Than Life: Rest In Peace, Heavy...

2011-11-12T03:34:00.001-05:00

This isn't a blog of biographical statistics. I'm not reporting the news. I'm here to pay homage to my town's pride...so excuse me if this blog isn't cohesive.

I hail from Mt. Vernon, NY. We call it 4sq. because it's literally 4 square miles. A small city sitting on the edge of Westchester County, bringing us within tickling distance of NYC's influence. Growing up in Mt. Vernon was kinda cool. I think my era was one of the best...maybe even the last of the surge of good offerings to the talent industry.

From my town hails Dick Clark, Stephanie Mills, sisters Phylicia Rashad and Debbie Allen, Al B. Sure, Sean Combs aka Diddy, Doug E. Fresh (both of whom also share roots in New Rochelle), Misa Hylton our fashionista, basketball player Ray Williams, comedian Talent and our own jazz love, Michael Phillips aka Mike Philly. We've always had extreme talent in our town...you were beyond blessed to make a name for yourself and make it out. Hev has definitely done that. From his music to the big screen, he has made us proud to have known him first.

Heavy and "the Boyz" (Eddie F, T-Roy and G-Wiz) rapped and danced their way onto the scene in 1987. I was just 14 and could remember how proud we were that they'd made it. Not long after their single debuted, I can remember them visiting the high school and just chillin' in the cafeteria. (I had a little crush on G-Wiz LOL). They walked and rode around like they weren't making videos and had their faces on an album cover, lol. Hev in that Blazer...was a summer staple for a long time before his success got hold of him affording him travel and appearances far from home. No one hated...we loved it. He was "ours". They were ours...

Heavy D, or Hev (born Dwight Myers)...boasted pride for his town and his native Jamaica. You can't deny that his lyrical prowess was a seamlessly fused combination of New York hip hop and Jamaican smoothness. His "bon diddly diddly dee" is often imitated but NEVER duplicated by those captured by his lyricism. Hev could dance too...light like a mug. lol He damn sure could keep up with the boys.

**I remember when Trouble T-Roy...one of the boys, died. I believe it was 1990 and it couldn't have hit my town any harder. They were just getting the success they'd worked so hard for and his life was snuffed out so suddenly. An accident on tour where he'd fallen and hit his head...was the reason one of our pride was gone. S/N: I remember not long before T-Roy passed, I saw him in the "Puerto Rican" store (even though I'm sure it was owned by Dominicans, lol) and just remembered his smile. I can't lie...I was wondering why he was smiling and speaking to ME, but that's just how they ALL were. Raised right, given manners and respect and just all around good dudes. For his death to be announced not long after was enough to make you flop lifelessly in your seat and ask, "Why?".**

Still...they pressed on. They made the album "Peaceful Journey" in his memory. (Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth later made, "They Reminisce Over You" which is still one of my fave hip hop joints to date.) As they continued making that music we LOVED to bump in the car...we loved and supported them. They pulled many along for the ride. Hev in many ways encouraged and mentored Diddy. My girl Tei gave me a link to an article Hev wrote about Diddy and it's quite inspiring. Read "Believe in Ridiculous Dreams" here.

When I was on my way out the door on November 8th to run errands...the last thing I saw was an influx of posts on my Facebook ticker. I statused that I needed confirmation because we all know how the Internet does. When I got in the car, my mother turned on 98.7 Kiss and it was confirmed. At 44, Hev had begun his own Peaceful Journey. It was devastating...IS devastating. There's no describing how or why it hurts...it just does. I spent the entire evening in tears...and it still brings tears to my eyes. Hev will be missed.

There will be services held in Mt. Vernon. The following link has all of the information for those interested. I don't think I'll be going. It would be hard to get in and I honestly think that this is a time for his family and close friends. I knew him...but, not like that...and I respect this time of mourning. I will be praying for his services that everything is blessed with PEACE and order. My condolences to the Myers Family.

My condolences to his fans as well...Mt. Vernon is inconsolable right now.

Remember Heavy D

My fave song...I can hear me and my bestie, Vikki singing this loudly along with the music in her car on the way to nowhere. lol

Close But No Cigar

2011-11-07T12:29:00.000-05:00

I've said at least THREE times this past two weeks..."Flirtation is defined as a 'play on love'..."

Re-read that if you must...but get that in your head. Flirtation is a PLAY on love. When...GOD when...will we stop [as adults] playing with love? Then we wonder why we aren't successful in relationships. In order to get different results you have to do things differently. Either you WANT to be part of a couple or you wanna be an equal opportunity giver. Period.

Okay ~sigh~ Let me break it down for you...

Fellas,

Women ARE sensitive. We're emotional, nurturing, compassionate, loving people (some of us...some times)...but for the most part, we're built to love and nurture. I'm sure that's why a lot of you fall in love at one time or another. That woman who knows how to make you feel like a man while making you feel safe in your vulnerability is someone you may want to keep. Anyway, being made for motherhood gives us this advantage over you all. It doesn't mean that you're not capable of these qualities...but, they are inherently feminine.

Having said that...even the strongest woman, who has built up a strong resolve and can rumble with the best of you...wants on SOME level, to be loved and protected. We fashion our ideas and standards based on how we're raised and what we learn by experience. In this current day and time...we've been shown a few things:

~We outnumber you, which significantly decreases our chances to find a love of our own...

~Some of us are desperate *cringing*...we (and I'm speaking generally) at times take what's dished because of reason #1. We'll flirt and interact with the "taken" guy because we're thirsty for attention. Been there at least once myself, where I allowed my situation to cross lines I normally wouldn't fathom doing.

~That most men cheat...so some of us are willing to accept that and therefore deal with the heartbreak of his being with multiple women to endure being attached to something... (Not I...you can keep that shit)

You may say these gorgeous things...promising chick she's special on some level, whether it be friendship or love...but, if you don't mean it and it's a script that you run out of habit...reassess your life space. One way or another...ONE DAY...you will be held responsible for providing false hope so that you can get something you want. Whether it's the sense of conquering a woman who seemed elusive, whether it's physical gratification, whether it's emotional intimacy without the commitment...eventually, you will come up short. There are consequences, however small or great to each action we perform. Remember that...especially when you meet the woman who MAY be "that one". If you continue with the same shenanigans out of habit or need to be needed, loved or adulated so badly that you allow that need to overshadow the blessings being given...you WILL lose your love. All because you couldn't tell the difference between LOVE and playing on love.

Ladies,

We gotta do better. We really do. QUIT allowing dudes to play you against other women. It's sickening. My stomach flips every time one of you plays into the trap of "She's crazy" or "She's in love with me, but I don't see her like that". He's telling you what you want to hear. Even us intellectual types get duped. TRUST...being told you are special is only special if he's showing the world how special you are. Pay attention...ESPECIALLY online:

~The sweet, sexy way he speaks to you on the phone...changes online. All of his responses become generic opposed to all that sweet baby, honey, love, shit you heard on the phone. Yea...watch that. If he happens to call everyone baby, honey, love? You're in trouble...lol

~Stop allowing men to drag you behind closed doors. The inbox, text, phone is some bull. If he's JUST a friend and has NOTHING to hide...why can't he write it on your wall? Say it in a status thread? Respond in a comment? Yea...you know why.

~If SHE is on his page...all of the time, with the lovey-dovey, honey pie-sugar lamb, syrupy sweet comments and the sexual innuendo "wink wink" type stuff...he's probably chit-chatting with her privately. Most will make her look batty as hell...but she's probably going off of the bread crumbs he's left behind him. Not to say there aren't some psychos online...it's just that EVERY chick ain't that damn crazy.

In closing...we all, men and women alike should be careful. Every single person we flirt with in an ongoing matter does NOT understand our limitations or intentions. Everyone is not stable. Everyone isn't game for game. I firmly believe that whether you ARE the player or the one being played, there is a significant sense of "self-love" missing in action. If you love and respect yourself, spreading yourself thin is inconceivable because you cherish yourself. Your worth is precious to you and you understand your personal power. You wouldn't even want the DRAMA that surrounds the worst case scenarios involved.

If you're being jerked all of the time...perhaps you're not valuing yourself in a way to draw the right kind of suitors. It's a tough lesson to learn about yourself that YOU, too are the reason you suffer.

Also...Stay in your flock. Gamers with the gamers...Lovers with the lovers. If you're gaming a lover...you may find yourself fucked up in the game of love. If not, you may be hurting someone who, because they're not quite familiar with the game...has gotten seriously hurt. If you have a conscience...try to be more careful when you're spitting game and measuring your mental johnson...you gone poke someone's eye out.

Langston & Nikki

2011-10-19T02:29:00.000-04:00

I've been reading poetry lately...

It's been a while, since I sat down and read something of someone else's. I hate to be influenced by other styles when I'm trying to solidify my own...

I'm quite aware that, "good" poets are inspired by others' works...but, GREAT poets set the bar. I've been told I'm great, but recently I feel sub par. Now, now...if you've read my stuff and you say, "Kali...cut it out. Your stuff is GREAT"...pump your breaks. YOU are officially biased...and quite possibly...you love me, so again...you work for me. LMAO

I mean sub par against some deeper more established poets. People whose works stand out and BRING it. I'm talking creativity, uniqueness, style and depth. I'm talking opening "it"...widening "it"...and quite possibly...putting a hole in "it" because the bottom ain't deep enough.

I've been reading Langston Hughes and Nikki Giovanni online. How I came across my first poetry book was quite spiritual. My ex pastor of long ago (RIP Rev. Wilson) had a sister who I rarely ever saw...but, one day while at their family home she invited me up to her room. She'd heard from her brother and my mother that I wrote...and wanted to talk to me. Not long after sharing thoughts...she gave me Nikki's "Cotton Candy on a Rainy Day". Unfortunately, I lost that book when a relationship ended. ~sigh~ ...I have every intention on replacing my book AND acquiring some others. I don't think I saw his sister much after that...but, she told me I'd love it and I did.

You wanna know something? Other than the ones mentioned above and knowing "of" Sonia Sanchez and other historic bards like Yeats...I've never really been a reader of poetry books. I began writing...and that was it. I had so much in my head that I just wrote. So much so that it got me in trouble (see, journals/diaries/secret notes).

As a child, I indulged in reading fables, researching encyclopedias for vast types of knowledge and as I got older, reading novels/urban tales and the occasional autobiography. I honestly don't remember being enthralled by the works of others BESIDES Nikki Giovanni. I DO remember having an affinity for Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven"...but that was it. One night, my friend, Tei was reading poetry to me...sharing her love of books she's come to own and I felt like I was "posing" as a writer while listening. I mean, how didn't I have at least ONE book in my hand from a renowned poet/writer? How did I manage to call myself a writer without reading some classic books? I could never sit among a field of writers and exchange quips, lines and quotes from memory. I could never sit at a round table of poets and throw out titles of books or poems ad nauseum.

I don't know...I'm not TOTALLY kicking myself for shits and giggles. I guess I am asking myself to consider taking what I like to call "poetic inventory". I am going to start looking into finding some collections from the above and some I don't know and IMMERSE myself in someone else's craft. I've been tussling back and forth with my muse...and it's tiring. Writing isn't coming as easy as it once did and that worries me. Perhaps it's time to focus on something other than what I can create. Maybe I ain't so great. Doesn't mean I can't BECOME great...but, maybe I need to be inspired.

We'll see...

For now...I wanted to share a poem from Nikki and Langston.

I Wrote A Good Omelet by Nikki Giovanni

I wrote a good omelet...
and ate a hot poem... after loving you

Buttoned my car...and drove my
coat home...in the rain...

after loving you

I goed on red...and stopped on
green...floating somewhere in between...
being here and being there...

after loving you

I rolled my bed...turned down
my hair...slightly

confused but...I don't care...

Laid out my teeth...and gargled my
gown...then I stood

...and laid me down...

To sleep...

after loving you

~smiling at this~

Gods by Langston Hughes

The ivory gods,

And the ebony gods,

And the gods of diamond and jade,

Sit silently on their temple shelves

While the people

Are afraid.

Yet the ivory gods,

And the ebony gods,

And the gods of diamond-jade,

Are only silly puppet gods

That the people themselves

Have made

~ain't that the truth~

...thank you for reading :)

Desire

2011-10-02T23:33:00.000-04:00

For today's challenge word, I had something thought out...something about desires of the heart, desires of life goals, blah blah yadda meow...

Then I remembered that my friend Iba, has a missing niece here in New York. She has been posting incessant reminders to her Facebook and tumblr audience to keep an eye open for her young teen niece, Nikki.

★★★NIKKI UPDATE★★★

My niece is still missing.

My Sister spoke to the young man that Nikki was last with in Manhattan.
He says she was happy, didn’t say anything about being mad or running away.

He’s 17 and attends her after school program.

He is cooperating with the investigation at this point.

He gave us a lot of info but nothing on where she could be…she literally walked away and disappeared.

He claims to be just as shocked by this as we are.

Please continue helping us find my niece, it is going on three weeks next week.

If you are in the NY Tri-State area please help.
She has been gone since September 8th. If you have any information please contact (718) 708-6236.
She was to begin her first day last Friday at The School for Law Enforcement and Public Safety in Manhattan on Audubon and 191st. The school has the flyer and hasn’t seen her either. News 12 has been running the story every half hour…working on other channels as well. ALL the help we can get helps.
Please keep reblogging. We need her back safe.

This is the exact posting...

What bothers me is that there is always little to NO real urgency in finding missing children of minority races. There has been little to NO coverage in my area for this young lady's disappearance or plea for her recovery. I don't want to kick around militant accusations of unfair treatment of missing persons cases where "we" are involved...but, you get it.

Every day that goes by is time lost. No exposure lessens the chances that she'll be spotted and her whereabouts reported. I pray that the situation is as simple as Nikki "decides" to come home on her own and that this is an instance of rebellion.

PLEASE post this information where you can and if nothing else, share this post. Fervent prayers are welcome as well.

I DESIRE for this young woman to be returned to her family safely.

National Center for Missing and Exploited Children

New York State's Missing and Exploited Children Clearinghouse

Chance

2011-10-01T19:18:00.000-04:00

Chance...is defined as follows:

noun

the absence of any cause of events that can be predicted,understood, or controlled: often personified or treated as apositive agency: Chance governs all.

luck or fortune: a game of chance.

a possibility or probability of anything happening: a fifty-percent chance of success.

an opportune or favorable time; opportunity: Now is yourchance.

Chance, I suppose is the law of "what the fuck ever"...lol

Well, Chance to me is a bundle of instances where shit wasn't in my control...so yea that's life. This dude Chance be showing up RIGHT when shit go down. He wanna be all up in the roll of the dice. He wanna be all up in it when love comes...he wanna be all up in it when you play the Lotto...

Then again...I always loved that portion of Monopoly. When I got to pull a Chance card. Never knew if you'd get a "Get out of jail free" card...or end up passing go. On the other hand...you could end UP in jail and not pass go or collect a DAMN thing, but the fun was in not knowing.

I'd like to say that I've utilized the chances given to me about 80+% of the time. I don't always LIKE the chances thrown at me, but I normally roll with the punches.

By chance, I've met some wonderful friends...and met a few that I could've gone my entire life without knowing.

By chance, I've loved and lost...and loved and lost again...but, that's actually something I'll leave to the presence of God's gift of grace and not Chance...I'll "take my chances" with God since HE is love.

Chance is an interesting spin, I believe...on the explanation of that which we don't understand. I suppose...Chance IS God...taking over and putting us in the place He needs us to be at the time He feels is best. So perhaps I got it a little twisted and Chance is really God's helpmate...:)

Beauty

2011-09-30T12:48:00.000-04:00

I see or hear the word beauty and I immediately think of the song by Dru Hill. I also think of my friend who calls her closest girls that...but, what I think of when I see or hear the word...is how UN-beautiful a lot of beauty is.

Beauty's standards are screwed up...we all know that. One of my girls and I were discussing the light-skin/dark-skin issue that a lot of us Black folks grow up with. Complexes of skin complexions...ridiculous. It's sad to recount the obsessions that some of us had with either feeling not light enough or dark enough.

Then there's those of us who either feel not tall enough or skinny enough or not big enough. Brown-eyed folks wanting to be blue-eyed...thin-haired folks wanting thicker hair.

"I wish I had long nails..."
"I wish I had perfect teeth..."
"I wish I had a booty..."
"I wish I had bigger breasts..."
"I wish I looked like her/him..."

Well, I wish we thought that we were beautiful as is. I wish that we thought fat thighs and nappy hair and short stature and uneven skin tones and big feet and thick noses...was beautiful.

I wish that we saw the world in it's amazing proportions, multi-hued humans, it's crystal clear to midnight blue seas, epic mountains and volcanoes and dainty flowers and shrubs...

it's heaviest animals to it's almost-not-there insects, it's musical sounds of nature, deafening sounds of war...and the eerie sound of "peace" in the aftermath...

If we could only see the beauty...in the differences and the trials and the triumphs and grasp the enormity of how blessed we are TO be ABLE to see at ALL is beautiful!

To be able to see in color...to bask in the gradient grays of a dark day and then see the rainbow on a bright one...is a gift from God.

I don't wish to be thinner, have a booty, long straight hair, light eyes or even dimples (which I used to want as a kid)...as much as I wish to be able to see the beauty in life...every single day.

Ambition

2011-09-29T02:24:00.000-04:00

Ambition...

Defined as an earnest desire for achievement or distinction.

Hmmm...Am I ambitious?

I've only desired [earnestly] to be a good person. To love from the depths of me. To give all I have for causes that keep me up late and wake me up early. "Ambition" is something that many take (in my opinion) ...too seriously. Maybe it's the artist in me who is more laid back and easy-going when speaking on goals and careers and such...but, I see folks go IN over their "grustle". (That's part GRIND-part HUSTLE). Some folks go so hard that they make those who aren't as driven as they are feel like they're somehow worthless if they're not usurping EVERY part of the day with SOME small effort for productivity. I have one friend who is a "Jill of All Trades"...her repertoire expanding across the lines of clothing design, furniture design, photography, jewelry making, etc...I can't even tell you all of the things she's into. The thing is...she's PASSIONATE about them all and though she has a sometimes unrealistic expectation on herself...it's only because she lives and breathes her art. On the other hand, I've seen people aimlessly peddle items out of the lust of money and their obsession with wealth and not be passionate about a DAMN thing but the money they envision themselves making. That to me, is where ambition becomes confused with greed...wanderlust, even.

For me...ambition is the fuel in the car that drives the person to their dream destination. I long to be a published writer, an independent woman, a woman of virtue, substance and above all...a woman whose legacy is love. That means WAY more to me than filling my bank account with endless zeroes or celebrity.

As usual, I break words down. The prefix amb means to go...the root definition for -tion means, to express action; a state or associated meaning. Ambition in a nutshell...is the state of going...or better clarified, the state of going forward. To me, ambition is going forth on a path leading to a final place of accomplishment. The question is how does one define accomplishment. Success doesn't have to mean a monetary sense of having...as much as a feeling of peace within that comes from touching lives in some way.

Yes...I have ambition. Do you?

Gotta A-Muse Myself...

2011-09-27T11:32:00.000-04:00

I have been SO lackluster lately in the writing department...penning only a few poems sporadically, here and there. I don't like it. I need to "exercise" my writing muskles (lol, my little cousin used to say that). I don't like when I go extended amounts of time with a motionless pen. The worse feeling for ME is having ideas and not being able to articulate them...

I think my biggest impediment is not ever wanting to be monotonous. I would hate to seem redundant. I would hate to seem redundant. LOL

SO...I'm imposing a challenge upon MYSELF. This is NOT a challenge where I'm inviting others to do it with me...but, if someone sees it and chooses to participate...so be it. I think the reason why I didn't do to well at the photo challenge I was last seen fleeing away from, lol...is because it involved less writing and more photo taking. I couldn't for the world of me remember WHAT I was supposed to be taking a pic FOR...which would result in me trying to find something...ANYTHING to snap once I got home. ~sigh~

Anyway...THIS self-imposed challenge is right up my alley. I'm calling it my "30 Day A-Z Word Challenge". I've come up with 26 words that I have to blog about...leaving 4 extra slots. The list goes a little something like this...

Ambition
Beauty
Chance
Desire
Entity
Favorite
Generosity
Hate
Illusion
Jubilant
Kindred
Limitation
Music
Nucleus
Optimism
People
Questions
Revelation
Secrets
Triumph
Unique
Validation
Weakness
X factor *wild card word*
Youth
Zen

The last four words were fashioned out of the acronym for the word "word".

Writing
Oxymoron
Rhythm
Dreams

...Here I go...

11:08pm

2011-09-22T00:19:00.003-04:00

I like this picture, because it is a collection of faces...that become Troy Davis.

Troy Davis...

Executed on the 21st day of September, 2011 at 11:08pm...in spite of overwhelming reason of doubt...the state of Georgia still rejected the stay of execution and took this man's life.

Let me state here...this won't be a blog full of legalese, dripping with political terms and agenda. There will be no recounting of the evidence or lack thereof throughout the trial. I'm not here to run down the precedents, the list of witnesses or even Troy's background of criminal activity before his subsequent arrest for the murder of Officer McPhail.

What this is...is a woman trying to make sense of the senseless. Someone trying to remember that God's will is by far vaster than anything we can dare conceive. How it is that a 16yr old, held and tried on flimsy evidence...and eventually...recanted stories...is sad.

Yes...

It could've been my cousin, my uncle, my dad, my friend...it could be them still. Yet, this isn't about the many men who Troy symbolizes...or even the many women who have lost their sons to the system. It's about a sleep-walking creature called Racism. I say sleep-walking, because it's not sleep...and it's not quite conscious. It's alive. It's breathing. It's quite possibly...even infectious. It's surely not dead. It did NOT die with MLK, Malcolm, Medgar, Marcus, Rosa anem. It wasn't even remotely subdued by Huey, Angela, Bobby, Assata anem. Yet it's not conscious anymore.

"Systematic...when you have a way of doing stuff and you do it the same every time, kinda like how we hang the sheets and we hang them first so we can put the socks in the cracks..." ~ Nettie & Celie "The Color Purple"

^^^That...a "systematic" thing...so commonplace and banal in repetition...that eventually becomes subconscious. It is second nature to those who made the "ism" of racial inequality...their practice. What this looks like to me is a very loud and resounding cackle in the face of America's people who thought that with the election of our first Black president, things would change. The hope was beautiful, the dream was glistening...bright like angel eyes...but, decidedly unrealistic. How it is that in the face of stories changed, reports of police coercion and others confessing...that they'd still take the life of a man, whose journey to injustice began as a child? I don't know...seems like that beautiful dream died an egregious death.

What was beautiful...was seeing so many different colors blur and "become" Troy Davis. The petitions were passed around, the numbers posted were called...the pictures of him were posted for reminders of urgency...and no one cared what the person standing next to them looked like.

I just said to my sister on my Facebook status:

"...it's the epitome...the worst case scenario of how wrong it can go. You know how we speak of people who get away with things they do with evil intent...and others who just want to live in peace can't find it...they get harassed, disregarded and oppressed by bad instances? This is that. This is a man who when this case begun was a tender teen...maybe not purely innocent, but a child nonetheless. He spent his entire adolescence damn near...fighting for his life. There has got to be a higher purpose for this. I've prayed and asked for God to give us all strength to be what we need to be and stand up in this with everything we are. Perhaps he was a beacon of light. Not quite angel, but more like vessel of purpose. Maybe his purpose was to show how we can all become a blurred audience of one...standing in love for a brother. Not a "brotha"...but our HUMAN brother. I don't know. I'm still making sense of it."

That's all I got...

Rest In Peace, Troy...I pray that your life doesn't go unaccounted for. I pray that your transcendence leads to a portal of light bright enough to shed light on injustice and blind the holder of those scales...for real.

My bro, Rippa posted this...I decided to post it here as well...

GGX Jewels! Inspire Your Inner Diva!

2011-09-21T20:12:00.000-04:00

For five years PLUS, Gina Brotherton of GGX Jewels has been channeling her Inner Diva AND her muse. She's been churning out some of the HOTTEST pieces of artistic jewelry and there is a VERY loyal following...but it's not enough! I need for you fashionistas with a need for beads and thangs...to become more acquainted with her...

Today, I'm showcasing her talents in the hopes that women itching to spend on themselves or a friend...will run RIGHT over and be inspired. Her talent is phenomenal. Friends of ours tout how amazing it is to SEE her craft these babies by hand...I hope to see that one day, but until then...these following pieces are all of the absolute proof AND truth you need.

Genius at Work: Photo taken by Tracey Matthews

Here's a little info on some of the materials Gina uses to create her pieces of art

Bangin' Beauties - anodized aluminum wire, non-tarnish and lightweight (I can testify, I own a pair...pic below)

Wire-wrapped rings/earrings - non-tarnish SS over copper core with a baked on clear coat (hypo-allergenic); non-tarnish 10k gold-filled over copper core with a baked on clear coat (hypo-allergenic); Pure copper; .999 Fine silver/.925 Sterling Silver & 10k/14k gold by customer order only

Beads - various glass, ceramic, acrylic, resin and lamp-work pieces

She uses natural stones and semi-precious gemstones (turquoise, jasper, red coral, agate, etc.) ...and she utilizes Austrian and Swarvoski crystals as well.

Her work is GORGEOUS. Below are a few of her pieces with the names and prices. She's VERY reasonable and flexible on custom orders. YES...part of her allure is that she's LISTENING to you. If you give her an idea...*inspire your inner diva*...she can create a one-of-a-kind piece that you'll be proud to show off for years to come!

Me, Thee Kween flossing my B-fly Bangin' Beauties!

These were a gift from her...and I LOVE them. I often have a hard time with having sensitive holes. A lot of earrings (a combo of metal and weight) irritate my ear lobes to swell. Not these. They're so light...I often feel for them to make sure they're there...lol. (can't lose my GGX!!)

Wire-wrapped Swarovski crystal earrings in Sterling Silver
Price Point: $30

"Bangin' Beauties" Multi-color/Multi-dimensional Hammered Aluminum Designs. Rings also available!
Price Point: $30-$35 (matching set)

Chunky & Funky: bold 3pc set. Chunky bracelet, blingy dangle earrings & a matching statement ring. KAPOW!
Price point: $40

"Bangin' Beauties" Hoop'lah - Hammered Aluminum [hoop] Earrings
Price Point: $15

Button Rings!
Price point: $14-$24

"Bangin' Beauties" Hammered Aluminum [abstract] Earrings
Price Point: $15

Now that you can SEE what's offered (and there's SO much more at the site)...you can understand how there is clearly something for EVERYONE. Take some time...visit the site. Peruse the galleries and then let your diva shine with some GGX. I'm telling you...from the product to the way it's shipped...it's a diva experience. Take it from a Kween :)

There's a Customer Appreciation Sale going on right NOW!! >> CLICK HERE <<

Contact GGX Jewels:

Website: www.ggxjewels.com

Online Store: shop.ggxjewels.com

Email: theggxjewel@gmail.com

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/ggxjewels

10 Signs You're Cyber-Logged

2011-09-19T01:54:00.000-04:00

There are very few people who AREN'T online. My grandma isn't...but, my other grandmother was...so there's a 50% chance your grandparents are online. lol

There are a few of my peeps who I WISH had a Facebook page...but, don't. I don't know why they didn't get the memo, but perhaps they're onto something. I wish sometimes that I didn't crave the crack so much and had avoided the Facebook vortex.

Facebook/Internet addicts are true crackheads. I'm talking shakes, ashy lips and notions of stealing for their next hit. I ain't saying I'm addicted...let's just say that I exhibit some of the 10 symptoms of this "cyber-logged" list.

What is Cyber-Logged? Well it's like water logged. Inundated to the point of complete saturation, leaving the frame of "something" weak and worn. This isn't your TYPICAL list of crack symptoms. We all know what it means to be addicted to SOME part of the e-world. Most of us sleep with our cells in our hands. That vibration when the phone rings is like an e-gasm to most folks. I just thought I'd share some of my current observations and list 'em.

10 Signs You're Cyber-Logged aka Signs You Need to Have a Seat!

10. Refresh is your friend. Yea, buddy...you refresh every 4.3 seconds on Facebook, tumblr, etc...because you're hungry for the next update. I see folks show up as SOON as I post. I be like...where in the MATRIX hell did they come from?

9. Your statuses/updates are successions of the same event. Let me give you an example:

"Oh snap, my fave movie is on!!" 19 minutes ago

"I love this part...it always makes me cry" 17 minutes ago

"Nooooo man...don't leave her!" just now

...yea...how are we watching TV intently if we're "statusing"? Why do we feel the need to pull our friends into the fray as well? Why ESPECIALLY do we do this...when watching WITH people? Are the people in the room NOT sufficient enough to discuss the movie/program with? *SMH*

8. You've got 50-11 pages for no reason. *raises hand* GUILTY! It's not MY damn fault they make it so easy to create a new page. Or a blog. Or an email. Shit...at least I'm not creating whole LIVES like SOME folks...lmao

7. You e-stalk...Now, look. Let's not get sensitive sir/ma'am! You do it or you've done it. ESPECIALLY if your siggy is online. "Oh what the fuck is all THAT about?". Next thing you know you're combing the person's list, mutual friends, and eventually...you lay in wait to see what color Shug gone paint the wall next. *don't deny it mofo...I seentcha*

6. Your browser has 10 tabs open with Facebook, tumblr, Youtube, Twitter, your blog, your email, and a combo of news, shopping, and porn. *again...don't lie dude* LOLOL

5. Your chat is open 24/7. Whether it's your BBM, your LiveProfile, your YahooIM, etc...there's a way for your friends to contact you at all times...and you RESPOND...sometimes...in your SLEEP!! Go to bed damnit. LOL

4. When your FB notifications pops up, you see it no matter what you're doing in another tab. 0)___0) *whistling*
4a. You answer those things with lightening speed...the hell you doing? Hitting refresh?

3. You've got some sort of insomnia related to your need to know what's happening on your page. For me...I've got issues that directly relate to my muse's inability to duly inspire at a NORMAL time of day. She wakes me up and as a sub-symptom of my wakefulness...I end up perusing the damnedest things while "breaking" from writing. I've discovered many an annoying, hurtful or informative thing while up at night writing. Sometimes...it's A-OK to lie the fuck down...

2. You take pics of EVERYTHING and post it. Your new outfit. Hair. A pic of you taking a pic of you in the mirror so you can show your new phone. EVERYTHING you do gets chronicled in the "Mobile Uploads" album. I just ask that you save us from the pics of your cat vomiting, your kid pooping or your man/woman sleeping. Dang...can I have some mystery in the e-relationship?

MY #1 sign that YO/MY ass just MAY be cyber-logged? That when I post this blog in a few minutes (approx. 1:50-ish am)...You will see it, read it, pretend you have NONE of the above signs...but, comment anyway.

GO TO BED DAMNIT!!!! #notestoself

Shhhhhh...

2011-09-13T22:19:00.000-04:00

Sometimes silence can be louder than words or actions. I normally am very interactive and communicative. Always willing to converse and at times debate [the right things]...I am often stared at with looks of confusion when I shut down and have little to nothing to say.

I don't beg to be understood...understanding me comes with loving me...TRULY loving me. Most of my circle know without question that my silence doesn't necessarily denote "sadness" as much as it does meditative thought. In this mode...I am on the precipice of inspiration to write. Or inspiration to decide. Or inspiration to evolve again...

Silence...so underrated a virtue...is a thing I need. There are so many "voices" that take up residence in me. The artist in me has different facets. I have my musical muse, my artistic muse (in the sketching, drawing, sense), my photographic muse, my poetic muse...::sigh::...they all come and speak to me. Some things drawn from dreams, some come mid-sentence like a flash, some come in the middle of having nothing on my mind at all. Either way...I'm constantly listening to the muses. I am also listening to the mother in me, the friend, the woman, the daughter, etc. So...beside the artistry that moves through me in ripples, waves and tides...I am also channeling the lives and happenings of my friends and family...not to mention random thoughts that strike like lightening.

With a mind that ticks constantly...to the degree that I often go (surprisingly enough for a Narcoleptic) without much sleep...I am normally as exhausted as I am full of thoughts. Imagine having a plethora of ideas and no energy to execute them. If I get a nap in the daytime (about 2hrs worth) and turn around and sleep 2hrs at night...I'm good. I am not new to lying with my eyes open in the dark, watching the shadows of the fan's blades create a smokey blur. I have as of late...fallen asleep an hour or more BEFORE I'm slated to wake up for work.

So, I figured...that with all that is ALREADY the whimsical, eclectic, mad workshop of my mind...I deserved a little quieting. I don't know how many of you understand the mind of an artist/above average mind. (I tip-toe around calling myself 'genius'...sounds cocky to me)...but there is at times little to no mental rest. Even my dreams are unnaturally sharp and ridiculous. "Seeing" shit all day...catching the nuances in human behavior, drawing people's emotions like a human soul magnet is depleting and exhausting. Working at a job where people are equally troubled to tears and angry to shouting...doesn't help matters much.

Silence is prescribed...especially, when your words aren't enough to say what you're feeling or thinking. Rather than be misunderstood...I sit in silence...until the articulation returns. Bear with me...

"He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words." ~Elbert Hubbard

Challenged

2011-09-08T21:37:00.000-04:00

OVER IT!!

I think I did too many challenges back to back...

I left this last challenge (The Photo Challenge) in the dust like an abandoned child. I ALSO had a hard time remembering to TAKE the damn pictures everyday...and when I DID remember, I found nothing to snap pics of. It's kinda hard to do that when you're not walking to and fro. I used to and I've gotta get back to that, but between one of the worst winters AND summers we've seen in a while...it wasn't fit for a dog or squirrel to walk out there. I did have my days that I just said "EFF it..." and walked but for the most part...it wasn't happening.

I apologize for the BIG pause though. I had been on a roll for a few months...posting daily in one way or another and now it's been this long ass hiatus (unannounced, no less) and I feel like I've let down my readers. God bless those who managed to stick to their challenges. You can check the side bar for "Dem Challenge Takers" for the ladies who'd been participating in several challenges. I've gotta make my rounds and be supportive...

Honestly,

I ain't gave a damn in a while. I've been "living". Enjoying family and friends...because guess what? ::inserting cliche::

Life is too short!

I've got family and friends who are suffering from a disease or disorder of some kind and have been sending up prayers nightly for those whose stories of affliction sit heavily on my chest. I've had sleepless nights for nothing more than a worry or concern of what they're doing...HOW they're doing. So, no...this challenge hopped, skipped and jumped WAY over my head.

I'll tell ya what. If by some off beat chance...I take a pic that fits the bill, I will slowly but surely finish this challenge. BEAR with me, my people.

In the meantime...I'm prepping for this weekend. Gonna finally get to meet yet ANOTHER SiStar of mine...Ms. Maria. I'm very excited and therefore you MAY get a blog w/pics for this occasion.

Deep Peace and Kweenly Love unto you!

Looking Asses

2011-09-01T12:06:00.000-04:00

I am taken aback...

That folks in their 30's and 40's are still playing mind games. That women who are grown and have children or just are GROWN...still pursue men on and offline like a cat in heat. That men who define themselves by the length of their dick, still act like children with no aim. I on the other hand...just wanna be at peace, live, laugh, love and learn. That's it. Keep the rest.

Let me tell you...2011 is NOT the year to fuck with me. I'm not lying down for ANY bullshit. I WILL step and I WILL blast you! So many times before, I let etiquette and decorum dictate my steps. I'm over it. I'm STILL a lady...STILL a kween, but even a kween has to exact some action when fools start trying to infiltrate her peace of mind.

I had a convo with a dear sister friend and I was once again reminded how the lies of a MAN had tainted my online reputation. A site we used to be on had me looking like some desperate bitch who needed to be loved and wanted to be just like some other woman! WOW. I'm glad that I know who I am and I'm BLESSED that I have real friends who know better. I don't sweat the small stuff usually, but this bit me on the ass in a hard way. I don't feel that, believing in someone is desperate...it's called LOVE you assholes!! Trusting your friends to keep your confidence isn't VIOLATING or BETRAYING someone else...or being catty or being a bitch. If I'm talking to someone I call a FRIEND and they runteldat...that's not MY fault...it's Mouth Almighty's fault. Contrary to the rumors and lies of little people with little else to do than discuss me...I don't thrive off drama. Drama makes the underside of my breasts itch...keep that shit. One thing is for sure...if you wanna know if I said some shit...ASK...I PROMISE I'll tell you if I did or didn't, but if you've made up your mind already that I'm some petty bitch...then stay over ------>THERE!!

Anyway, I find that some of the same people who were in my circle then made it over to Facebook with me and honestly...I know there is this dark cloud that follows me. The only way for the myth to be dispelled is for folks to be enough of an independent thinker to say, "Hmm, I wanna get to KNOW her...". Otherwise, it's like a red letter sloppily stitched onto my chest. Truth is, EVERY guy online who I've ever been "involved" with...pursued me. They had to CONVINCE me that they really were interested and wore me down after months of convo. I've never...EVER seen one dude and been like, "Let me roll up on that." Nope. I mind my business...and then because these men on the Internet have a gang of stans...I end up the bane of some bitch's existence because she thinks I'm a threat. One thing I've NEVER done is befriend someone so I can see how close they are to my love interest. If you're still doing that in 2011...

GET A FUCKING LIFE!!!

I ain't ask dude to holla...
I ain't ask dude to rope YOU in...
I ain't ask dude to lie to you...
I ain't ask for none of it!

Take your LOOKING ASS...and SAT down! Leave me alone. You REALLY won't like me if I gotta tell your ass that shit again!

Snapshot #12: Beautiful

2011-08-22T04:33:00.001-04:00

Photo of: Beautiful

This is a pic of the eyeshadow that I was sent by my girl Tina of Arshele' Bath and Beauty Products.

What is beautiful about this is not just the gorgeous blue-green metallic color it provides, perfectly offsetting my yellow undertones...

...but, also that she's living her passion. That is always beautiful. I took a pic with it on...and honestly MY camera does it no justice. It POPS and I felt very glam in it. Watch out soon for a blog featuring her products. Until then, tip-tap on that link up there for her product and see what she's offering...if you love all natural products, SHE is your girl!

I felt "beautiful"

Snapshot #11: New

2011-08-22T04:24:00.000-04:00

Photo of: New

Just bought this applesauce. LOVE this applesauce. Great variation from the norm. A cup of this in the mid-morning fights the hungries and the desire to eat something I'm not supposed to.

I also bought strawberry...goodness!!

My FAVORITE vehicle for applesauce is oatmeal. A cooooool dollop on a hot bowl is quite close to what I imagine to be the manna from heaven. lol

Snapshot #10: High Angle

2011-08-11T01:20:00.001-04:00

Photo of: High Angle

So, what had happened was...I forgot all about this challenge. I had a headache and rested most of the day.

I meant to do this outside with a subject other than myself...but, hey. You do what you can with what you have. lol

This is me...hair kinda kinky wavy...wearing my fave sundress (in yellow of course).

I hope tomorrow's challenge isn't this forgettable. lol

Snapshot #9: Morning

2011-08-09T20:27:00.001-04:00

Photo of: Morning

Morning...

Wrapped up...tangled up. In spite of summer's heated humidity and hellish temperature heights...I still need SOMETHING on me. Last night...it got cool enough from the A/C to use my beloved throw made of chenille. Soft and cuddly, it keeps me covered and keeps my toes from completely becoming ice cold...

Good morning...(even though I'm writing this in the evening)

Snapshot #8: Feet

2011-08-08T23:21:00.000-04:00

Photo of: Feet

Today's challenge falls right into place with my latest pedi :)

I used Sally Hansen's Salon Effects in Kitty Kitty last night. Instead of using it on the entire fingernail, I made a Leopard "French" and used the majority of the strips on my toes! I love it. ~rawwwrrr~ hehe

I also managed to get my foot into that shoe ^^^ that up until now, eluded me. My feet have been swollen for a while now from foot pain and now I can get back into my shoes. They're 2 1/2" of comfort :)

I also thought I'd take a pic of the shoe that I thought was SO cute, wore once and never again...LOL

They're actually too big...::sigh:: LOL

Yep...there's the feet. :)

Snapshot #7: Red

2011-08-08T00:28:00.000-04:00

Photo of: Red

My trusty companion...the Dictionary. Perhaps my favorite book of all time. Always changing and evolving...adding and subtracting. Providing hours of information to grow on.

My family calls me the "Human Dictionary"...most around me ask ME how to spell a word or to provide the definition instead of opening the book or looking it up online. What can I say? I'm a word whore. LOL

For me, words are the edifice of a tall building...each floor, a sentence...the height being the unending ways one can express themselves.

Anyway...the photo is of the color red. Though I looked around my house and found other things that were red...there was only one thing that had the punch this photo had. :)

Snapshot #6: Home

2011-08-06T17:36:00.002-04:00

Photo of: Home

This is home...

Well, the back of it. I decided not to take a pic of the front b/c I don't need folks tryna figure out which street in which city does that number belong to. LOLOL

It's not ALL ours. We live in the bottom right part. That bottom window furthest on the right is actually my window :) I love where I live. I have a great view of the Hudson River and Bear Mountains...

daytime

I am always taking different pics of these mountains...especially come sunset...

Sunset

Sorry if I broke the rules and posted more than one pic...lol

Snapshot #5: Guilty Pleasure

2011-08-05T21:47:00.000-04:00

Photo of: Guilty Pleasure

My guilty pleasure is Facebook. I'm an addict...I know it. I need help. I'm actually falling back. It can be a pain in the ass and once something that's supposed to be entertainment, becomes a "chore"...it's time to step away.

It's kinda hard though. I write constantly on blogs and offline working on stories, so Facebook is just a click away when I get bored and need something else to do.

As you can see...my banner is a grouping of butterflies ::CHEESE::...and I'm known by my first and middle name and not my last. That ain't nobody's bidness. LOL

So yea, my guilty pleasure...

**scribbling on screen** Send...help!

Snapshot #4: Low Angle

2011-08-04T21:01:00.003-04:00

Photo of: Low Angle

When I walk home from work I pass these flowers everyday. I usually want to take a picture of them, but I'm always concerned that the owner[s] may see me out the window and wonder what the hell I'm doing near their flowers. I looove flowers and have been known to be a flower thief...mostly as a child. My mother said I was famous for coming home with a handful of flowers from someone's garden talmbout "Here, Mommy..." with the big kid grin :) LOL

These were so vibrantly orange/red that I felt drawn...so I crossed the street, readying my phone's camera...and then slid up like an ace detective, snapped it and bounced. I didn't even look to see if it was "good"...I just put the camera low and snapped. LOL

So there...my low angle.

Snapshot #3: Sweet

2011-08-03T21:46:00.000-04:00

Photo of: Sweet

I LOVE me some Dunkin Donut's coffee...

"Can I have a large coffee with nine sugars and milk?"

Yea, I said nine sugars. They have that SMALL ASS SPOON that probably is more like 4-5 sugars. LOL

I start my day with this coffee most days. That pic was taken while it was still nice and hot. Isn't a gorgeous cafe au lait color? The color of old woman's stockings? LMAO Or maybe the color of water...where a paintbrush with brown paint was dipped and swirled in?

I almost took a pic of my Sweet Baby Ray's Raspberry Chipotle BBQ sauce...but this pic was more the speed of how my day went. Without this coffee...I would've been unduly unprepared for the bullshit that sat before me today. I won't go into the details but let's just say that by the time I left work...I was on the verge of tears and anger.

I WILL see this cup of coffee tomorrow, God willing that he wakes me up. I can't imagine what waits for me tomorrow...but, I know that if I have this perfect cup of coffee...damn near the color of my skin (with no tan)...I'll be just a LITTLE ahead of the game.

Soooo good...and sweet! ;)

Snapshot #2: Yellow

2011-08-02T15:47:00.000-04:00

Photo of: Yellow

A yellow candle...in the shape of a butterfly. It's more yellow than it shows. Yellow is my favorite color, so of course it was like hitting pay dirt when I got this candle. I won't even light it...

Behind it, I'm sure you see the "Tiffany-inspired" butterfly lamp...and a butterfly that houses an electric flame tea light candle. :)

Also the color that Dee calls me. She says I'm "Kali Simpson"...you know...relative to Homer anem? *rolling eyes*

Funny thing...I don't own as much yellow clothing as one would think since it's my favorite. I just can never find anything I like in yellow.

Foods I like that are yellow:
~Cheese/Mac-n-Cheese
~Curry
~Lemons/Lemonade
~Pineapples/Mangoes
~Omelet
~Cake

I love the sun, yellow flowers, yellow butterflies (of course), Post-its, journals, shoes, underwear (I do own a bra set in yellow cotton :), rings/stones, birds, pottery...you get it...

*in my Celie voice* ...Yellow...Y-E-L-L-O-W...yellow.

Snapshot #1 ~ Me

2011-08-01T23:21:00.000-04:00

Photo of: ME

I may not be sized down
to a dainty frame
for dainty minds
with limited thinking...
but, I'm still frail
demure and soft
tender to the touch
unmeasured depths of heart
with much to give...
with much to learn...
with much wisdom to impart...
I may be strong,
inside AND out...
but, I feel the slights against me
I set them free
like chicks from nest
...and carry on like all is sweet
because eventually...it will be...
I suffer no emotional drought
because...
like frayed wires
wielding danger
that manically jump about...
I hold energy no one can harness
I hold great things no one can tout
my kinda love,
most can't do without...
and don't know it
until they're already out...
sometimes afraid,
of my own power to be
I forget who I am
but never whose I be
yes,
it's possible to know
to whom I belong,
and forget my way
letting the delusion
of loneliness
cause my mind to stray,
but...
still,
I come back to ME...
this woman-child of God
remembering...to be ME...every day
in the VERY way
that makes me
limitless...to the eyes of those
who dare to see
the woman with many names,
but whose mother named her...Kali

The 30 Day Photo Challenge

2011-08-01T17:59:00.000-04:00

Introducing...the 30 Day Photo Challenge...presented by my SiStar Dee aka Afrodeezha.

This one, I found online. Apparently, I just missed the Challenge, put forth by Amber Fischer Photography but I still want to do it. Sooooo this is what you can expect from me and I encourage you to join in and post a link in my comments.

Day 1: Me
Day 2: Yellow
Day 3: Sweet
Day 4: Low Angle
Day 5: Guilty Pleasure
Day 6: Home
Day 7: Red
Day 8: Feet
Day 9: Morning
Day 10: High Angle
Day 11: New
Day 12: Beautiful
Day 13: Noon
Day 14: Creative
Day 15: Necessity
Day 16: Print
Day 17: Real Life
Day 18: Zoom In
Day 19: Parent or close friend
Day 20: Favorite
Day 21: Time
Day 22: Happy
Day 23: Old
Day 24: Orange
Day 25: Evening
Day 26: Love
Day 27: Hate
Day 28: Summertime
Day 29: Dream
Day 30: Faceless Self Portrait

That'll Getchu Popped!

2011-07-29T00:12:00.001-04:00

...Infamous words of Tami Roman of Basketball Wives on VH1.

That was her first real encounter with Meeka Claxton. She doesn't like for folks to "put their hands up" because it makes her "defense mechanism" go off and she feels the need to defend herself. That statement in the title of this blog was her first "warning" to Meeka that getting too excited would get her knocked the fugg out. I personally saw it more than once and I honestly don't think that's what set Tami off. I didn't see Meeka's hands go up, but hey...it's all about perspective, right?

I've been watching it from the beginning. Reality TV is my guilty pleasure. It is not an indicator of my intelligence (so many people say that people who watch this kind of television have low IQ's or are ghetto...I am neither) so that isn't it. Since watching I've come to like and dislike certain people. I've come to like Tami and even Evelyn at times. Jen is kinda flaky, Shaunie is a sneaky mofo (c) embezzlement of her ex-husband's funds. Royce is cool...a firecracker. Suzie is a shit-starter and Meeka is her protege it seems. By far, Tami is my favorite. Funny thing though...back when she was on Real World II, I liked her initially but then became angry at her when she got David ousted from the house. He was wrong, but I felt like it went beyond the normal reaction to the situation.

Now...the other night, Tami smacked/punched Meeka in the face. I totally get the reasons why she got mad. I for one am about thinking twice. Being the rash person Tami is, her gut reaction was to clock her co-star in the face. (The bish WAS tryna start shit...but, still). You have to learn to walk away from a situation like that. If you know you're dealing with a dirty little, messy little liar...you expose her and ignore her. Like she says in this interview with Necole Bitchie...you're given an option to whether you want to film with someone. If she didn't want to deal with Meeka she could've put herself in a position of protection by not filming. The outcome of that folly...is the fight.

A lot of people online have been split down the middle with the occasional understanding of both sides. Some feel Tami is ghetto, over-the-top, crazy and an attention whore. Some feel that Meeka deserved everything she got being the messy, petty bish she is...some feel that the show in it's entirety is a smudge on the already questionable reputation of Black people and especially Black women. This is where I stand on the topic...

In the REAL Real World...in the communities where sistas are from, Tami is a prize. In a world where chicks are back-stabbers and liars...to have someone shed light on any topic...however hostile, is still a breath of fresh air. Tami is not dumb by any stretch of the imagination. She's actually bright and very articulate. She's just ~~crazy as fuck~~ got anger issues. LUH you Boo, but you need to touch on some anger management classes. At 40 it's not cool to pop off on everyone who gets you mad. I know how frustrating it can be to have someone look you in your eye and tell you a lie like they believe that shit...and WANT to put your fist through their throat...but you can't. There ARE consequences. Legally you can go to jail or be liable financially. Socially, you're fulfilling the statistic that we're just some wild animals who possess no self-control. In spite of her brash honesty, Tami will always be pegged the ghetto, classless one because of these episodes of "reality".

Now...chicks like Meeka? She's that chick you DO want to bash in her forehead. She's the chick you can't trust worth a damn and you find out down the road that you don't even really know her. She came into the situation messy. Without meeting Tami or Royce she'd already put them in a bag. What was so funny about THIS is that, had she be an equal opportunity hater...she would've felt the same way about Shaunie and Evelyn. Shaunie TORTURED Gloria in the second season of BBW over something that wasn't even Gloria's fault. She should've taken her beef to Gloria's sister about Shaq, but instead she menaced Gloria until she left the show. Evelyn did the same to Suzie. She may have had a point initially...Suzie runs her mouth too much...but, she made it impossible for that woman to co-exist. If you don't like her...sit on the far side of the table, don't bash her, nit-pick and argue each time you see her. It's childish. Evelyn is also the same person who knew the entire time she was bonding with Tami...that she'd slept with her husband. Evelyn missed the WHOLE damn point and made it about the man. NO slowmo it wasn't about the man!! It was about the fact that she knew she'd done it and didn't feel the need to disclose that info to Tami upon their newly burgeoning friendship. Then proceeded to undercut her wife status with the "Non Motha-Fuckin Factor" remark. Yet, Meeka didn't seem fazed by these things. She BADLY wanted to be on this show and wrote Shaunie more than once for the "opportunity" to be there. Why didn't she prejudge Shaunie and Evelyn? Well we know the answer. She didn't because she wanted to be IN the CIRCLE. So she took action against the two people who at the time were on the outs with one or more of the "Popular Bitches".

If you know you're dealing with a woman who would pop you in your shit at the first sign of beef...why then would you go IN on her? Did you think this wouldn't happen? Or was that your plan, Meeka from the jump? ...Disparage Tami and fill her spot while attacking her pockets at the same time? If folks are gonna bring attention to some shit...bring attention to her shit-starting ass because she loves drama EVERY bit as much as she claims Tami does.

How about bring attention to the Puerto Rican chick who flew all the way to California to dump water on a chick. Who this season threw an ACTUAL GLASS at Royce. She could've put her eye out, but no one is bashing HER. No, they're choosing to go in on the Black woman.

What about the White chick, who can't hold WATER for 10 seconds and runs her mouth every chance she gets. The CATALYST to issues between Evelyn and Royce, Shaunie and Gloria, Tami and well...everyone...yea.

YES sistas...we need to stop some shit. We need to think more and react less. This is true...but, we're not the only chicks who go in. Watch Real Housewives of NJ, Orange County, Beverly Hills, Jerseylicious, Jersey Shore, etc. You will see shit being thrown and yes...even blows. It's a WOMAN thing...not a BLACK WOMAN thing. WOMEN need to find their class and lady-like ways again. It's imperative that we do that for our young daughters coming up with big eyes looking at us like a mirror.

Truth is..."we" can't REALLY "afford" to let these things happen. Other races get to act a fool and the memory of those things are short and fleeting. It's the NeNe Leakes', Tami Roman's, and Naomi Campbell's who hit the headlines with negative feedback that get the backlash. Like I said in a previous blog...folks went in on A. Keys for her indiscretion w/Swizz Beats (lending NO accountability to HIS married ass) but, everyone LOVES themselves Angelina Jolie's husband-stealing ass. Right? Matter of fact...some mag called Jennifer Aniston a home-wrecker for reaching out to Brad. Like REALLY? *smh at the utter hypocrisy of folks*

I pray that the lawsuit brought against Tami isn't too detrimental to her pockets. I have to tell you...though I know she was wrong, I feel like Meeka was on some manipulative, premeditated bullshit to nudge HER way into the spotlight. It's not everything it seems folks...pay attention to all sides...and remember, we're hardest on our own. We don't have to be...the rest of the world does a bang-up job for us.

Simple Math

2011-07-28T15:26:00.001-04:00

I loved "1+1" the moment I heard it. I heard a small clip of Beyonce rehearsing in her dressing room before her American Idol appearance and couldn't wait to hear the entirety of the song. When I saw the performance via Youtube...I was moved to tears.

That's what I want.

Raw, unabashed, soul-stirring, see-me-naked-to-the-bone, loving the crud in my morning eyes, fight for me like I fight for you, 1+1 = us, kinda love.

That's all I wanted to say...

Glad I Did

2011-07-18T05:21:00.003-04:00

Me, sporting the b-fly ring my Auntie gave me!

I spent this past weekend in Connecticut.

My cousin Kaitlyn recently graduated from Sacred Heart University and is about to soon start grad school in Hartford, CT. Child Psychology...

I'm so very proud of her. She and my cousin Arthur are the first to graduate in this family since Kaitlyn's father, my uncle Ken. She's so mature and I truly do see a lot of myself in her. I didn't tell her that, but I do. She's thirsty for knowledge...but, she's going the distance. (Interesting analogy since Kait used to run track). It was also a birthday party. She turned 21 on July 1st.

Kaitlyn and her boo, Stan...isn't he cute? :)

When my mom asked me if I wanted to go, I said yes immediately. I wanted to go and support my little cousin, but I also wanted to just SEE them. My uncle, his wife Kathy and their two girls Kaitlyn & Megan live about 2 hours away in CT. I don't drive. My mother visits more than I do, but often her trips have an agenda...normally church-oriented. I'm not into church like she is. She and my uncle both are reverends...so, I tend to want to stay home. Due to this being more about Kaitlyn, family and fun going wasn't an issue this time. I figured, we'd go and come home. The day OF...my mom informs me that we'd be staying. One, she's not driving the 2hrs there to turn around and do it again later that night. I couldn't be mad...but, I didn't really wanna do an overnighter. I sighed hard and reluctantly got up and began packing a bag. All of a sudden, I wanted to stay home. I love to travel places, but sometimes I just want to be by myself. I thoroughly enjoy my own company. Sue me...lol

We got there and before long my uncle had checked us into the nearby hotel. He'd secured (and paid) for rooms for us all. We rested and eventually back at the house for the tent-covered BBQ in Kaitlyn's honor.

In attendance (other than my uncle and his family) was my Aunt Iris, her youngest son Arthur, his girlfriend Tracey and my other cousin's daughters, Damia and Amaya. My youngest uncle, Maurice came with his wife, JoAnn, son Stephen and my grandmother and matriarch, Mary. Missing in action: My sister, Monifa and her man, Michael, Damia and Amaya's dad, Damyan and my middle uncle, Ernest Sr., his wife Lorraine and their sons Ernie Jr. and Eric. (Down south: My cousin Tisha, her husband and two kids. Their brother Ken Jr...wasn't there either, even though he lives in NY.)

It was something like a mini Family Reunion...but there were also others there from my uncle's church family, his in-laws and neighbors and friends of the girls.

Food was served, live blues was played and we fought for our lives against the mighty Connecticut Mosquitoes. LOL I was eaten alive...back, legs, arms...chile...it was a BBQ and we weren't the only things snacking out there in the woods. LOL

Sunday morning...we all congregated at my uncle's church. He preached a wonderful sermon out of 1st Samuel 19. To summarize: Sometimes no matter how good a warrior you are, you have to let GOD do your fighting FOR you. Those who think they can conquer you when God has already sought your victory...are foolish and will be dealt with. In the meantime, to quote his sermon's caption, "I'm Running For My Life". I realized just how much of that I've been doing. In the past I could have stood my ground, made my statements, retaliated back with words of things I shouldn't have said...but, I chose silence. While doing so...others who know and love me, spoke for me and perhaps that may have irritated my adversaries...but, the truth is the truth and no matter what spin is put on it...the truth needs no garb.

I came away from this weekend...spiritually rejuvenated and duly refueled. My reluctance to go died a very quiet death on the 95 to CT. I didn't want to go on Saturday, but I'm glad I did.

I love my family...they've proven to be more than I even knew. God bless them and those who have become my chosen family. Life is good. God is better...I'm blessed. PERIOD.

30~ I Learned Love

2011-07-14T22:27:00.000-04:00

Did this love challenge teach you anything? If so/not...what/why?

Of course it did. I learned a lot. About myself...about the fellow challengers.

I learned a lot about the love I THOUGHT I had and the love I didn't realize I had. I learned how perception is a MUG and how often while IN it...we don't always see it.

I've learned that just when you think you've gotten over things, memories of pain can pull you back as if things happened in that second. I also learned that the things I thought I'd never get over have washed away with time, understanding and self-love.

I've learned that my girls are SO fuckin' cool. I have a list of chicks who were SO supportive during this challenge. Throwing up my blog's URL every chance they got...speaking of me in a beautiful light and MEANING it. We banded together and helped each other through each question. Some of us had a harder journey than the others, but we ALL were in each other's comment sections applauding, cheering, giving e-hugs and love to support through the epiphanies, the inspirations, the beautiful moments, the relived struggles and the moments that some wanted to throw in the towel.

All I have learned is love and more love. Tolerance. Clarity. Retrospection. Forgiveness. Understanding. Reconciliation. Pleasure. Happiness. Peace...peace and love.

Again, thanks to all those who participated, read and commented.

I love you...

I really do...

Almost...

2011-07-13T19:13:00.002-04:00

We're almost finished this challenge. A lot of us are on our last day...a few still struggling down the middle (mostly due to unforeseen issues) and the rest are on the heels of myself and a few others.

I just want to say THANK YOU!!! Thank you all who have participated and those who have taken the time to read and take a piece of us with you. I don't know one person involved in this challenge that didn't get in and roll their sleeves up. Some of you shocked me with your honesty...some of you showed me a more tender side to you. All in all...I had a wonderful time with this cathartic exercise in Love & Truth.

I got beat up a little...some inboxes, trips to my Facebook wall...even a few shout outs mid-blog. Folks was hunting me down at times wanting to know, "What in the hell is up with these questions, Kali?" ...Not so much because they weren't "good" questions but because they were the kind that made people dig up the past and come face to face with a few things they may have thought they were over. Hell, even I was feeling some kinda way about the questions. I didn't figure into account while posing them that I'd be answering as well. I could've kicked my OWN ass a few times. LOL

I hope that you all received the heart of this challenge. It was made to give us a glimpse into our past and present while giving us a cleaner slate for the future.

Again...THANK you dear loves...

Leelee, you went hard. I saw things in your blog that broke my heart for you. Your utter honesty about YOU and how you see yourself was refreshing and fearless at the same time. I genuinely had to ask myself at one point was I...the creator of this damn challenge, being nearly as candid as you were. KUDOS and hats off to you, sis.

Maria, I remember you wanted to do this challenge when I mentioned it...you were pretty excited. Well, now...you pretty much tell me everyday how you can't wait for this shit to be over. LMAO Nonetheless...I applaud your commitment. You didn't give up and I'm so very proud of you.

Budda, You brought it girl...but, then I knew you would. Raw, to the point, and willing to look within. I enjoyed your blogs and I'm sure that if/when we pull another challenge out the air...you'll join and bring it all over again. ((HUGS))

Tina, I know this challenge got a little rough for you, too. I pray that being able to say certain things made things a little easier...even if only in retrospect. I appreciate you so much...I love when people push themselves emotionally to get to a point past fear. Sometimes THAT is the only reward...that you did it when you didn't think you could. :D

Gina, you jumped in at the last minute and took off out the gate like a prize greyhound. LOL You were blogging your little heart out. Love it...still have to catch up...give mama a minute. LMAO

Monica...you too, jumped in like a woman trying to swim her way to shore. Your offerings were nothing less than full on memoir quality. This challenge was made for people like you...those seeking to reconcile their memories and pain with who they are today. I'd say you've got a pretty good hold on who you are. Stay creative and thank you for showing love to everyone involved.

Mahogany...my Bookie. :D Of course I expected NOTHING less from you than the raw, unabridged, unadulterated truth. You're always bare to your readers so I'm always proud to have you on the blog roll. LOVE you, Ladybug

Joy, I know you're catching up to yours AND my challenge. A lot has jumped off since we started the erotica challenge almost 2 months ago. I'm still proud that even if only in drips...you continue trying to finish. Whether you do or not...I'm sure you're on your way to a wonderful new place of peace and love. (((HUGS)))

Kena, I know you barely got through yours, but I still appreciate the effort. Hopefully next time you will make it to the 30th day :D lol

Dee, I made you last...because you were the inspiration behind this challenge. When ending the erotic one, you mentioned needing a reason to write because having to write everyday helped you a lot. As soon as you said that this challenge popped into my mind. Thanks for the inspiration, the support and the honesty. You were NO slouch in the "tell-all" department. You gave all you had and shared things that I know where hard for you, especially since they were on the surface at the time. Thank you sis...LOVE you oodles!

These ladies are writing BESIDES their part in my challenge. Their links are on the side under "Dem Challenge Takers" so please hit them up and see what they're giving us. They all are different, yet entertaining, educational and crazy as all get out. LOL Show them some love please...

**Almost home**

~Kween

29~ Dear Forever...

2011-07-13T01:52:00.001-04:00

Write a Love letter to your soul mate (whether you feel you've met them or not)

This challenge is coming to a close. A lot of my challengers are going to take a huge sigh of relief. I got spoken of a LOT in this challenge by my girls...my name became a cuss word! "That Kali!" or "That Kiwi!" LOL

I'm "cheating"...because I wrote this a while ago and then edited it for publishing on my Words on Wings site. I still want some of the same things...and though I'm sure there are some other things I could add...I'm going to save that for the future "him" to fill in.

sweetest love,

i think of you all the time. when i see lovers, i see us. when i see babies...i see ours. i think of the man who won't ever need prompting to love me. the man who will never need to be reminded that i am his and he, mine. we will love, laugh, live, teach, learn, cry, sleep, dream, be...in tandem. no "mine" or "yours" just OUR...us...we...mr. and mrs. wonderful ;)

i know that you will understand my most sensitive needs...and never make me feel criminal for being so. i know you will remember all of the things i tell you...and present them to me in surprises. i know you will feel my heart beating...even when we're in separate spaces. i know you will sense my despair...and throw on your lover's cape, swoop in...and love me back to my glory. you'll never see my weaknesses as weaknesses...just moments where a little more lovin' is required. you'll know, like i know...that there is never a moment when we no longer need to "prove" our love to each other...because the desire to show love will be a joy. you will know me...like no other.

for all that you are to me...i will be to you what shine is to sun. you will have a rib AND a spine in me. your dreams will be as important to me as they are to you...because i'll know that when YOU'RE happy...so am i. you will know that, even though i CAN assemble a piece of furniture...i'll let you get bragging rights *lol*. i will give you all of me...knowing that you'll relish in the ownership. i'll be letting all within sniffing range know...who daddy is. in turn...i will never have to be concerned about others...for my name is written in flames of love afire...right across your being. a picture of you and i will be a prized possession of yours. just as well...the love planted deeply inside of me will be as obvious as 9 months of pregnancy.

give me you and i'll give you me...i want the good, bad, ugly, indifferent, the shit and the blossoms. i want to be your BEST friend. don't hide from me. lay naked for me, trusting me with your vulnerability. we'll be enough for each other...needing no one else to confide in or lean on. let's be a force. a power of love unparalleled. let's be...the couple lovers love and haters hate. let's be the ones that bring love back...fuck sexy (even though we'll make that over, too)

um, i snore...i can be a tad OCD. i like cuddling, but i need my space. i love the food network (let's get 2 tv's), i want a cat named Wasabi (don't forget to bring home the allergy meds). i'm not "scared" of spiders...but they unnerve me. i AM scared of snakes (not yours, lol). i'm silly as FUCK...but, you'll love it. i'm a word whore...so be prepared to play scrabble...and get pummeled. hehe. i need sheets over me...even in the hot ass summer...so no blanket hogging. i like to kiss your chin, so don't deny me...i AM gonna eat your neck. i will enjoy just you sitting between my legs as i "sky write" across your back.

i want to go places, experience things, places...life...with you. show me what i've never seen...teach me what i didn't know i needed to know. teach me you...let's love, baby. always...

love, the pet name only you call me :)

28~ Heart Over Heat?

2011-07-12T01:13:00.000-04:00

If you had a choice between a love relationship and just sex [guaranteed]...which would you choose?

Right now, I don't know...

I really don't. I'm at a point in my life where I'd just kill (not literally) to have my carnal desires fulfilled and left alone. I ain't in the mood to have someone demanding of me a return of my affections all for them to get what they need and leave me wanting. It's a cynical way to view it, but it's been my experience the last few times I've been in a romantic entanglement.

What I miss about being "in love" is very simple. I miss the spooning at night, the tender kisses and the feeling of someone being concerned for me...needing to make sure I'm okay. I miss those things immensely...

Yet, I at times just need to be stroked right and put to sleep. Give me a kiss and go.

I'm torn. I am. The heart of me...the believer in love and relationships wants to be wrapped up and embraced daily by the nuances of love. I want to have breakfast with someone, plan a day of leisure, lie back in someone's arms and nap, read together...just BE together...even if we're just doing separate things in the same room...

The scorned part of me, just wants to be pleasured and have some go-to penile cord and that's it! Just get sexed down and then be free to go on about my business without the tethers of love's responsibility.

I think that a loveless sexual relationship with someone is lonely. With all of my need to be in control of blocking painful situations...so I won't end up alone nursing a broken heart, still garners loneliness. Once that person leaves and goes home...there is still no one to care. No one to whisper security into your soul...and that's something I can't quite get past.

I don't know...maybe for now...I'll just take the sex and reserve the right to change my mind at a later date. LOL

27~ Ease On Down The Road

2011-07-11T17:00:00.001-04:00

Does anyone you've broken up with still love and pursue you?

Nope...they done eased on down the road!

"Don't you carry nothing that might...be a load...ease on down, ease on down the road!"

No one's tried...and it's best that way.

How short and sweet is that?

Oh well, *shuffling w/Michael and Diana*

26~ May~December

2011-07-11T16:51:00.000-04:00

If your young daughter or son came to you and told you they were in love with someone your age...what would your response be?

I don't have children...

I've been here before though. 18 years ago I brought home a man 22yrs my senior. My family was ROCKED...livid is not enough description.

My uncle had hung with him, my mom and dad knew of his ways from "way back"...he was considered a pimp in his day and had been abusive to many a woman. I remember my mother saying to me, "He's going to have you on the street...pimping you."

I didn't sense that about him. I didn't know much about him, but I didn't get that feeling. Well, the story goes that eventually he did turn abusive. Physically...then mentally/verbally/emotionally. That physical shit didn't sit well with me...I used all this fluff to make sure he didn't get the best of me. LOL I'm not saying that life with him wasn't hard...but, this is the same person who for 8.5 years pimped his OWN physical self by getting up almost everyday of our life together and working. He put money in my hand and the checkbook to pay the bills, too. Had it not been for his addiction...who knows...we might still be together.

If MY godson (that's as close a kid is gonna get to me) came home with a cougar...I'd embrace her. I'd let her know..."Don't make me fuck you up..." O__o

No, for serious...lol, I'd just talk to him and see where his head was. The worst thing you can tell ANY one, child, teen or adult...is who to love. That never goes well.

25~ Smiling Through The Lessons

2011-07-09T22:59:00.001-04:00

Looking back on your life...who taught you the most about what love is/isn't?

Wow...again, where did I get these effin questions? I was truly on a roll with my curiosity. ~sigh~

I've learned what love IS from some of the same people I've learned what love isn't! Growing up around my maternal family vs. my paternal family was an extreme in concepts of how you raise, discipline and love. My moms family believed in spankings, lectures and punishments. My dad's family believed in love and support, soft reprimanding and lots of hugs. Interesting thing is...my mom's siblings are mostly married with children who've either gone onto college or maintain jobs and take care of their children. My father and his sibling were both subsequently exposed to addictions to alcohol and drugs. There were at times domestic violence where they (siblings) fought and at times became belligerent toward my grandmother (RIP). I suppose the conclusive argument would be that my mom's family and their stern hand approach, produced more fruit than the other side's lenient lifestyle garnered.

My maternal grandmother wasn't and isn't particularly emotional...and wasn't big on "I love you's". She was quick to call you "no good" the moment you messed up and at times could be unduly harsh. I still love her though, because I realized as an adult that you do what you know. My paternal grandmother was more praiseful and encouraging. She told me she loved me every time we parted or ended a call. She preferred "see you later" over "goodbye" because she hoped to see you or hear from you again. While learning two different types of love...tough love and appeasing love...I would like to think I've become a happy medium of the two.

I also learned a lot from my ex, Ali. He taught me that love isn't always romantic affection. He taught me that love is responsibility, provision and protection. He knew he'd taken on the responsibility of caring for me and that my parents were looking to him to prove that he wasn't the older man taking advantage of their young tender and inexperienced daughter. He worked almost every day of our relationship, give or take a moment or two between jobs. In 8.5 years...we only reached our hand out twice for help. In the beginning...and in the end. Ultimately, God had other plans for us both and no matter how much he wanted to maintain us...our situation gave way to us being parted. Through the emotional and sometimes physical abuse...I can say that he tried his hardest to make a home with me. He just couldn't shake his own demons of addiction. I did learn how one loves another enough to take care of them...I'll never take that away from him.

I learned from my other ex, Jamie...that love isn't lies and subterfuge. Vulnerability is a key component to being free enough with someone to be yourself in a relationship. A love relationship is supposed to make you feel like you can do anything because of the person by your side. You should never feel the need to mask yourself or put on airs about who you are. He would probably say he didn't lie. He'd protest that I was wrong and that he was honest and forthcoming about everything...and he'd be lying. I pray that one day his lesson is learned and that it isn't learned in the worst way possible. Some people don't take kindly to being fucked over and made a fool of. Some folks ain't wrapped tightly and will react in a deliberate and sometimes final way. Not saying I'd ever do that, but everyone ain't me. He also taught me to love people through their shit. He was at times a little snobbish when it came to situations I discussed with him. I looked up one day and realized that my then "baby" could be a complete asshole...and I loved him anyway. lol

I've learned love is and isn't what you're willing to do and not do. Tolerate and not tolerate. Your foundation has to be Rock of Gibraltar strong...something like a force to be reckoned with. You can't waver and ask for consistency. You can't be unsure and ask for certainty. You can't ask for qualities you don't possess. Whatever it is you desire or look for in love...you should be an infinite pool of love reflecting it back to the world. Also, you shouldn't just reflect the surface. Don't be muddied and thick. I pray that the love I've learned will cause me to be a still pool mirroring back love...yet being clear enough to see your way to my depths. No one likes jumping in and miscalculating the depth, the temperature, or what's underneath.

I've learned a lot...but, I'm sure I'm learning more.

Stamp of Approval

2011-07-09T06:31:00.002-04:00

Well it seems that Ms. Mahogany Dymond has given me the stamp of approval for "Best Blog". I haven't received one of these in a while, so it's cool. Lemme get started...

Once winning the award I have to:
Share seven random things about myself

~I have white food texture issues. I hate: cottage cheese, cream cheese, sour cream, vanilla pudding and yogurt, tapioca /rice pudding, and straight milk. Sorry, I'm a food bigot. lol (though I will eat cheesecake, dip made w/sour cream, chocolate pudding and chocolate milk)
~I crack my ankles all day
~Bugs of all kind creep me out...why are you HERE? LOL
~I have a tendency to hold my tinkle...lol
~I think most canned food is nasty...ew.
~I'm a word whore
~If I could...I'd never wear the same pair of underwear twice. LOL

Pass the award to 15 bloggers

BUTTERFLY EFFECT
EPIPHANIES AND MUSINGS
LYKEBUDDA
LEELEE
ALOVELYDAI
GOD'ESS SPEAKS
NO LABELS
MR. CONTROVERSY
DELECTABLE VERBIAGE
THE SUNROOM
CURVY GIRL CHRONICLES

I don't have 15...but this is close enough. I ain't gone tell em either, I'mma let em show up and find themselves. LOL

~

Answer the following questions
Favorite colour: Yellow
Favorite song: Adore by Prince
Favourite dessert: Red Velvet Cake
Biggest pet peeve: Fuggin Liars
When you are upset, you: CUSS
Your favorite pet: meow
Black or white: Black
Biggest Fear: S n a k e s (of all kinds)
Best feature: My heart
Everyday attitude: What can I learn...
What is perfection: Finding your place in life
Guilty pleasure: Reality TV (send help)

24~ I Apologize

2011-07-08T19:57:00.000-04:00

Have you broken anyone's heart?

I don't know. I really don't. I've always been on the receiving end of bullshit. I didn't take time out in my busy moments of dusting off the fuckas of past to see if someone's heart got broken by me.

Anything is possible. Someone is probably swearing I did that shit to them. If so, I apologize. I go into each situation with an open heart and honesty. If I don't like/love you...I don't waste my time or yours. I don't tell folks I love them and then go tell the next person that's it's all about them. I get no pleasures in gaming with folks' hearts and lives.

Having said that...it's quite possible that IN my honesty of, "No, I don't see you that way..." that someone's feelings could've gotten hurt. I think hurt feelings are a world away from a broken heart, but I can't determine the scope of someone else's disappointment, either.

To end this...I'll post my FAVORITE song for this kind of occasion. I heard it some months back and it's been in heavy rotation since.

"Message To You" by Claudette Ortiz...if I've every hurt you or broken your heart, I apologize...

23~ Doves Disparaged

2011-07-08T17:20:00.000-04:00

Some of these questions, MAN...smh

...what? It rhymed!

Do you think love and marriage are synonymous? ((Was I sipping pineapple rum while penning these questions?))

Well...No.

Love can LEAD to marriage. INSIDE of marriage the two should become synonymous. Wherever love is placed, that relationship should become enmeshed in the word love.

Marriage is a tricky thing to discuss nowadays. Honestly, I don't know why I brought this shit up. Perhaps today isn't the day for me to be expounding on such things in my current state of IDGAF. Yet, I'm already 2 blogs behind in this challenge due to my attitude and need to be an example...or WANTS to be an example for the challengers...especially those who may be struggling with certain questions.

So, yes. I think I answered that. I ain't sticking around here too long. INSIDE of marriage the two should "marry" and encompass all of those things resident in love...but LOVE stands on it's own. It would be the arms of God wrapped around the world...if there were a physical way to describe it.

So there ya have it...

22~ Treasures

2011-07-06T23:12:00.001-04:00

Create the perfect love scene

~Treasures~

He put in her name, her mother's name, her father's name, her sister's name, her cousin's name...hell...he put in her pet name from HS. Nothing.

For almost 10 months Mason looked for Allana. He'd spent the last 9 years married to the woman he met while at a conference for jewelers. He met and fell for Lola because she reminded him of Allana and her whimsical spirit. His jewelry business had flourished almost immediately, to his surprise and pleasure...surely a sign that his muse approved...wherever she was.

Gems were Allana's love. She collected everything she could find, from crystal quartzes and tiger's eye to estate jewelry from auctions. He followed her to antique shops after school as she perused the boutiques looking for pieces to add to her wardrobe. She almost always spent her allowance on lucky finds...like the cameo ring that had to have been worth a grip, but she paid $13 dollars for. She also found a loose rough cut onyx piece and had a jeweler make a pendant out of it. Allana gave it to Mason on graduation day. Shortly after, she went off to college and they broke up after life caught them in different places. Neither of them are really sure WHO broke it off to this day...

Today, Mason...still married to Lola...was obsessed with finding his childhood paramour. He cared for Lola, but their marriage was on it's last legs. She'd already begun dating other people and had moved to her mother's house with their son, but also stayed with him during the week for her job's commute. It was weird, but it was working.

Mason was getting frustrated. The social sites didn't have her given name as searchable. Her family had long moved and scattered from their hometown. He didn't know where any of her old friends were because he, too had moved and lost contact. This was frustrating as hell. He longed to know if she was okay. If she'd married...had kids...thought of him in the middle of the night. He had to know where his "Lani" was.

At his store, he just worked away and did little else. He crafted, melted, shined, molded, appraised and hocked his days away. Late nights at the store were a given. Anything to stay out of Lola's hair. They were divorcing amicably, but she was still hard to live with. Often, the very similarities about her that made him see Allana...were the same ones that irritated him to no end.

"Can you bring me something home? A sandwich or something? I'm hungry and too tired to drive...thanks." Lola pretty much demanded.
"I'll see...by the time I get home it'll be late. Don't bet on me." he said.
"Pastrami, mustard, sauerkraut...on roll. Thanks" ...Lola ordered and hung up.

Mason looked at the phone and shook his head. When he looked up...his past stood in front of him in stereo.

"Allana?" he asked with glassy eyes.
"Mason! Wow...I can't believe..." Allana said with a smile brighter than her sparkling drop earrings.

He came from behind the counter...and scooped her up. She looked the same to him...smelled like memories and hope. He grabbed her face and kissed her. When Mason registered his assumptive actions...he stepped back, smoothed his clothes and apologized.

"I'm sorry, Allana...I don't even know if you're married, with someone...I'm so sorry." He pleaded.

With her own eyes glazed with emotion, Allana stepped closer and said, "I've missed you. I never got married. I have no kids. I can't even recall the last significant relationship I've had. I can't believe we allowed so many years to pass. I am so grateful that your wife found me."

Mason blinked. He shook his head and heard his mental voice say, "Who, Lola?" ...even though nothing exited his mouth. He stood frozen, tears welling up...confusion mounting and questions on the verge of barreling out of him. "Who? What? Are you sure? Do you know her? Lola? Lola Fields?"

Allana laughed and said, "Yes...your WIFE!"

She pointed toward the door and he saw Lola standing outside the door against the stone wall. She waved and nodded, then walked away.

He said, "I don't understand..."

Allana said, "She found your search on the laptop in your home office. She said she knew you'd never gotten over me. She asked her detective uncle to run a check on my name and found me at my business...I sell jewelry, too."

Mason couldn't believe it. His wife did the most selfless thing she'd ever done in their marriage besides give birth to their son. In that moment, he saw love on two deep levels. His and Allana's undying love for one another...and his wife's love for the man who would always be her friend. He couldn't have been luckier to have two diamonds in his life.

They sat and talked all night long...the promise of love rediscovered glistening in the night.

21~ Isle of Love

2011-07-05T01:38:00.001-04:00

Photo by lenz_dark

What is the most romantic location you would want to visit?

Well...I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, yet I found myself intrigued with the beauty of Bora Bora. Tahiti seems SO beautiful...

That is FABULOUS!!! I would love to see the sea through my floor...

I could wake up to this several days in a row with NO problem...

Splashing around with a boo, getting it in on beaches and what not. Yes indeedy...I'd be in Heaven! I can't even imagine the pictures I'd come home with, given a chance to visit this place...

Those little huts...look all rustic on the outside, but are so luxurious on the inside. That's my kinda shit! lol Giving you that island feel all while providing you the comforts of a wonderful hotel.

~in awe~

I couldn't go wrong romancing my special him in a place like this...not at all. ~daydreaming~

20~ Cans and String

2011-07-05T00:05:00.000-04:00

Do you believe in Long Distance/Internet Love? Why or Why not...

For others, yes...for me...no. I don't have anything good to say for myself in this matter. I used to believe that getting to know someone sight unseen gave you the advantage. No physical hang ups to keep two people from getting to know each other and sealing the bond spiritually. I believe that others have and will have successful LD and Internet romances...I'm just not putting myself in that position again.

I got duped...not once, not twice...but THRICE!!

As far as I'm concerned if you're not in the state of NY and aren't within a train ride away...don't bother. I'm not doing the "false intimacy" thing anyway. Some emotional boo that I talk to and make promises with all for them to be doing local coochie because they want to detach from the commitment, but want to have that "love thing". FUCK...YOU!!

For who I am right now...it would behoove ANY one wanting to deal with me, to make themselves apparent. YES...I WANT TANGIBILITY!! Who doesn't? I can't fantasize and romanticize love and relationships over the phone. All of that giddy laughing, diving for the phone every time you hear their ringtone, sleeping with the phone damn near glued to your face...no way. All it took was 3 failed attempts at love via the net for me to assess that it ain't for me. Threading string through unwrapped and cleaned tin cans to use room to room was cute. I can't do cans and string as an adult. I need to be able to lay eyes on you and ESPECIALLY hands on you. I need that in my life right now.

I've learned MY lesson...

19~ I, The Pen...Ink, My Soul

2011-07-04T05:09:00.000-04:00

What do you love to do the most?

THIS!!!

Writing. It's my passion. I dream of stories and characters and how I'm going to weave it into something bordering on literary genius. LOL

I've always loved writing...

I practiced my penmanship independent of my teacher's instruction
I had perfect penmanship before most of my friends could write in print
I learned calligraphy (translated literally into "beautiful writing") in 7th grade and was told that I was one of the quickest studies at that time
I've been drawing and writing stories around characters since the 6th grade (I suppose that made me 10 at the time)
I STILL write the alphabet in print, script and calligraphy in my free time
Poems have always come easily to me...so has creative writing, but oddly enough I am having the hardest time composing an ending to a book I started in late 2005/early 2006. Too critical of my own work

Basically, writing is in me the way breathing comes instinctively. Second to writing, would be cooking and other "hobbies" like photography, drawing, Interior Design, arts & crafts and watching movies.

I have had a love of words since I was a child. I owned a Junior Scrabble game and love to expand my vocabulary. I once drew on an old journal, "Thoughts to words, words to sentences, sentences spoken, words heard". It's the basic cycle of thoughts manifesting. Thoughts are things and become enlivened with the passion of writers, thinkers, speakers...I truly believe the world goes 'round and history is penned by those who take the nuances of events and weave them into tablets of reference.

I am learning every time that I write...more about how much I love writing. I have literary hopes that far span erotica, poetry and short stories. I'd love to write something epic and classic for the times and have my name written/spoken beside bards of old and great authors in my time.

I pray that my work touches...any one...if only one. I would hope that my love could be felt through every word I create. That's my ultimate goal.

18~ Monkey In The Middle

2011-07-04T04:46:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been in a love triangle...with you as the object of desire?

Not to my knowledge...

To me...a love triangle so to speak, is one where not only are there three players...they know of their competition. If not "knowing" them...knowing that someone else is getting the love and attention of the admired.

I've been in one where someone ELSE was the object of desire...but, that's it mi amigo/as.

Can't elaborate on anything I haven't experienced.

#shortandsweet

17~ Baby Love

2011-07-02T02:43:00.002-04:00

Do you think young people can fall in love and it be true?

Yep. LOL (is this a running theme? I am always saying YES to love...)

Okay, in my defense...I know SEVERAL couples who are married with children and toughing it out in committed relationships close to 21 years later...who were in love in High School.

I always hoped that I'd fall in love so deeply with someone and they do the romantic things that I saw my friends do for their loves back then. Valentine's Day deliveries to their class...prom dates...Homecoming King and Queen together. I saw that so much and it has worked for a lot of folks.

I don't think being young has SHIT to do with knowing and understanding love. Just like you have old ass muhfuggas who refuse to grow the hell up and embrace the potential of love. You can be 50+ still hustling the game...not knowing jack about what it takes to be "in love". I believe there are "Peter Pan" souls born into some who never allow the maturer things to set in as they age. I also believe that their are older souls born into babies that experience life and love vividly, deeply, truly and grasp the importance of it's place.

I want to shout out some of my favorite folk from High School...*raising e-glass* Here's to Young Love...

Tochia & Larry

Tameka & Darryl

Keith & Rarsha

Kim & Crandall

Troy & Mary

May God continue to bless your forever young love :)

16~ Windows of the Soul

2011-07-02T02:18:00.000-04:00

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Now, come on...I'm the "Kween of Love" for goodness sakes. Of COURSE, I do. In my head and heart...love of all kinds are possible. The truth of love isn't in the perfect scenario...it's in the impossible and unexpected one.

I think people envision love at first sight as being some physical connection. That would be true in a basic and primal sense...but, I've been taught the spiritual and metaphysical parts of life and I know that when two kindred spirits lock eyes...they see past the shell and veneer. I believe their spirits do this soul dance and for a moment in time...they meet in the air, leaving their bodies and doing some cosmic swirl kiss that ends with them going back to their frames...touched by the other. A piece of the other left in the form of an impression.

Yea, I know...I'm hopeless, right?

Some naive, gullible, romantic who wishes upon stars and thinks of fairytales as the rule, not quite excepted. Nope. I'm a realist. I believe in all of the variables that come into play in a relationship. I believe that even if people fall at first glance...they don't always stay in the abyss in some splendid love oblivion. Eventually, if they don't make the proper sacrifices, seize their moments of happiness and commit in a timely fashion...that beginning connection can fade.

love at first sight,
is like
two kids,
whose room windows face the other...
kinda like
monica and quincy
always remembering
the moment that love
knocked on their window
in the midnight hour
needing a haven
...those star-crossed boos
hooked on the silent smiles
and private giggles
thrown in blinking awe...
it's the moment
the eyes of one,
stare into the eyes of the other...
love,
noticed...
love,
assenting...
love...
in the reflection
of the windows of their souls...

Okay, so what...I got a lil poetic. Fugg y'all. LOLOL

15~ I Got Love...

2011-06-30T21:38:00.005-04:00

Can you live without a love relationship?

Nope...because a love relationship isn't specifically between a man and a woman. I've got love 24/7...

I've got friends and family and I've got love for self...I've got love for nature and life. I'm in love with everything around me...

Right now, there's no one special. I'm not in a relationship with a soul, but God. I like it that way. As far as I'm concerned...His love and mine has to be rock solid before I go giving love to another human. I want to be reinforced in my spiritual infrastructure. I've always been strong, but I want for my soul to be receptive ONLY to the one who has the wherewithal and stamina to match his intent...and even then I have to be interested in slowing down for the catch.

I did say recently to my girl Joy, that I'm at the point where I can say that if God saw fit for me to be single and just surround me with family and friends to love...I'd be happy. Would loneliness for a man's touch seep in from time to time? Sure...undoubtedly. Yet, I'm willing to bet that what is going to draw any potential dude...is seeing me from afar...giddy. Happy with my life...head reared back in belly laughter. Not somewhere sitting lonely, looking as if I need saving. MY king is going to see my elation and want to join into the program...already in progress.

Did I even answer the question? LOL #kweenshrugs

14~ Romance, No Chance

2011-06-30T21:08:00.001-04:00

Recreate your most romantic date (a real one)...

See, ANOTHER damn instance of me creating questions without myself in mind. SHIT.

I've been in a couple significant relationships in my life...guys I can say I was in love with and felt we'd be together forever. One relationship spanning almost the entirety of my 20's...but, never a truly "romantic" date was experienced.

Let me just say, I think that a romantic date doesn't HAVE to have candles, dinner, music, walks on the beach, etc. Romance is not the event...it's the INTENT. It's, "Baby, I made you dinner...it burned a little...but I made it for you and bought your favorite wine and sorbet...". Romance is the result of having listened to your mate and showing them that you're listening. It's not a plot to get out of something you've done wrong. It's not an attempt to keep them from "bitching". It's not a once-a-year commercially induced ploy to get some extra nookie. It's reminding them that they mean the world to you by giving them something that is private, intimate, and personalized.

I've never been to an exclusively romantic dinner...

I've never had someone just pop up and surprise me with a favorite thing...

The one time I DID receive roses...it was because he'd fucked up...

I've had nice things done for me sporadically...wouldn't call them "romantic".

I've never had a man, plan a day around me...do something especially for me...aver his love for me in a special way...ever.

I've done romantic things for others though...so maybe that's it. The romantic dinner I had...was planned BY me, for my ex and I.

It was our 1st anniversary. I spent all day cleaning and cooking (we'd just moved in so I had a lot to do). I made him Turkey Wings, Homemade Mashed Potatoes, and Skillet corn...and a yellow cake w/chocolate frosting. I bought some Vanilla Haagen-Dazs...and made sure when he got home everything was ready and perfect. That particular night...I knew that Whitney Houston was having a concert on HBO from South Africa...and quite appropriately...she sang one of our favorite songs, "Lover for Life".

He enjoyed the meal and the dessert...and the concert...and me. LOL So yea...that's my romantic date. :)

(See how sometimes you're learning the perspective of things? I saw how I'd been thinking of being romanced instead of romancing and hadn't given thought to a moment that was indeed tender. Even if it was me who had to initiate it :)

13~ Agape Love

2011-06-28T18:33:00.003-04:00

Kween of Love :)

Do you believe in unconditional love?

Yes...

Agape love...*notice how it's the same word that means "open"*

–noun, plural -pae[-pahy, -pahy, -pee] , -pai [-pahy, -pahy]for 3.

the love of god or Christ for humankind.

the love of Christians for other persons, corresponding to the love of God for humankind.

unselfish love of one person for another without sexual implications; brotherly love.

so yea, I do.

Conditions are limitations. Once you start saying, "I love you, but..." or "I love them because..." you're set up for failure. Folks used to ask me why I loved my ex. "What IS it about him, Kali?" I was asked on more than one occasion...and though I COULD have (and have) chosen a few reasons...the truth was, "I just do..."

No reason. No motive. No excuses. Sometimes you love someone just because. I love my friends and family. I love strangers in the street. I met an old lady in Dunkin Donuts today...and out of nowhere she and I began clicking. This little old, short white lady with tight gray curls...was so adorable to me. Perhaps the spirit of my grandma. Either way...I claimed her. She said she had grandkids my age (because I said I was OLD, LOL). I said as I patted her on the back, "I could use another grandma!" Well, she reached up and kissed my cheek and hugged me (which I believe I sorely needed). I was too giddy. Did it matter that she was a stranger? WHITE? ...nope. I hearted her for that moment and I will have impressions of unconditional love on my heart from that moment in time...clearly, a sign of care from my angel...my grandma.

It's hard to love at times when you yourself are in need of some loving care. You want people to reach out to you and behold you with all of the strength and fervor...all of the boundless intent...that you attempt to love others...but, then...that would be conditional. Loving in the HOPES that someone might love you back. I'd say it was a thankless job...but, then I'd be forgetting that God is VERY grateful that His Kali (child closest to God in Egyptian)...is reppin' him like a G!

At times...I have to put down my armor and shield. My sword and fight. I am SO fiercely protective of people I love that I often forget that they have been given the same thing that I was given...volition. They will tumble and fall as I have...and with the help of people who love them such as myself, will get back up again. Sometimes, you have to put worldly limits on a universal indefinableness...just to survive. Not that you'd be placing condition on YOUR love...just a limit to how far you're willing to go to prove you love someone.

I've loved and still love every person who meant a thing to me...

"In distance, love exists...arms stretched past lines of unseen defense. In distance, love exists...powers engaged past forces of human frailty. In distance, love exists...in my prayers for you, even when I have nothing to gain but the feeling that I love you...in distance...with no condition"

~Thee Kween

12~ It's In The Stars

2011-06-27T21:41:00.003-04:00

Do you believe in zodiac compatibility? Who is your best match from experience? You worst?

I am a Capricorn. I have Aquarius Rising. I have a Pisces Moon. I have Sagittarius in both my Love (Venus) and Sex/Aggression (Mars) planets. I believe that having my major influences in ALL elements (Earth, Air, Water and Fire, respectively) that it makes me a very even-keeled person. I can lose it when I'm pushed to my limits. That fire will burn your ass. I can get kinda cold too, Capricorns can be some icy mofos...but, I'm sure my Pisces Moon influences my artistry, my psychic connection and ability to see the rosy side of things. That Aquarius, with it's genius flashes and "weirdo" outlook is me all day...so I'm accounted for in each position. Having said that...

Yes, I do believe in Zodiac compatibility, lol...
From experience...none of them mofos I've been with...lol
Every one I've had has been the worst match...lmao

Okay seriously. I will say that I had the most passion/chemistry with an Aries and a Gemini. Up close and personal? I've had an Aries man snatch my clothes off with one hand. *woooo* I've also had a Gemini (that 1st damn love) make it HOT. ::fanning:: The only thing about BOTH of them is that they're HUMONGOUS flirts...and that potentially makes their attention spans short. In other words...cheaters. Not ALL, but MINE.

I lived with a Virgo and sexed one. If I can help it...no to both again. Virgo men are too passive for me or too aggressive. It's like either they have NO backbone...or are crazy as fuck. MY experience. Sex with either was mediocre at best. *yawns*

I sexed a Pisces...and other than his ability to, as I like to say fondly..."lick my rice bowl clean"...his stroke left a little to be desired. I felt like he got too overzealous and missed the mark on how to let it do what it do. This is MY Pisces experience, not everyone's. He also wanted to cling and claim in a casual situation. Often trying to force us into a love thing, when he couldn't even quit cussing long enough to say anything nice. Perhaps I liked that...I didn't want anything else and we all know that most highly passionate situations can lead to equally passionate sex. The latter...not so much.

I've dabbled in the dynamic of a Libra (attracted yes, a match...no. Too self-involved)
Also, I had an Aquarius boyfriend in HS...he was cool, but a playa.
Taurus are not my cup of tea. I've had a little chemistry with one...but we're better as friends.

I actually believe that I'll be most compatible with an Air or Fire sign. I love the aggression...but in it's PLACE! I don't like being told what to do unless I'm for damn sure that he's got my best interest at heart and I require that correction. I don't mind taking a lil direction...but, I won't be dominated completely. There's a dominatrix deep in me that rebels...call it my Capricorn nature ;)

*singing* "Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces, Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer...ooooh"

11~ Silly Of Me

2011-06-27T21:07:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry, this shit was hilarious!!

Whom (no names, if you prefer) did you love, who didn't love you back?

~sigh~

I could kick myself in the ass for asking some of these questions...really.

Now that I'm reading the question, it's so different. I understand that because someone doesn't love you back the way YOU want them too, doesn't mean that they didn't love you to their own capacity. People do better when they know better and if someone has always had dysfunctional love with no core sense of true love (whether it be family or friends) they might not ever really get it. Perhaps they walk away with the lesson and do better with the next. Who knows?

My first love didn't love me the way I hoped. He was ashamed, it seemed to be seen with the chubby girl from across the hall. I didn't have a Coke bottle shape, the longest hair (back then my hair wasn't as long as it is now), the designer clothing, etc. I was a simple girl, living across the hall in the PJ's with my grandmother...and though I had things, I didn't have the things that kids prized above everything else. I was a "nerd" (they use geek now...back then, I was a goody-two shoe NERD). I was smarter than your average bear and often had a perspective of an adult. Not someone you wanna take to a teen/adolescent party. I'm going to church every Sunday, singing in the choir and have a mom who will kick a door in to find me...so yea. I wasn't the one you wanted to tiddlywink with if you weren't serious. I get that now, back then...it stung like a hornet's kiss.

Recently, he put me in my place. He told me that we had one of the best relationships he's been in because we had the friend AND lover aspect and still had a great deal of love for one another. It shocked me, but gave me a closure I didn't even think I still needed.

The other person...well, fuck him. His loss.

10~ 10 And WINNING!

2011-06-26T07:45:00.004-04:00

List 10 people you love and explain what they mean to you

This is hard...REALLY hard. I preface this list with apologies to any who may think that their name NOT appearing on this list is a reflection of my love for you. It isn't...these are my daily and constant soldiers. The ones that never leave...even if life is tugging them in other directions. I love MANY...but, these people are there every day in some capacity or another. *thinking...can I do an honorable mention's list?* LOL

This isn't meant to dumb down your meaningful relationships...it's meant to show you who you treasure. It's an exercise in realizing your treasures in life. With this particular challenge, I pray that you not only see who is in your corner, but whose lives you may be impacting as well.

1~Mom: She and I have come a LONG way from the hurt feelings and misunderstandings of the past. I can tell her just about anything and I can assure you that most of what bothers me crosses her eardrums at one point or another. I'm proud of her life as a minister. She dedicates the majority of her time, not just to going to church...but seeing about the sick and shut-in, praying over troubled souls, teaching bible study and singing in (and directing) her choir. She's truly married to the Lord and again...I'm proud!

2~Sis: My twin by 6 years...Younger chronologically...older in so many other ways. The little girl that used to tell on me and follow me around is now a woman I respect and love dearly. I'd kill and die for this woman and that's no lie. We're connected. We do the "twin thing" without being DNA twins. I call many sistas, sistars and yes...sisters...but she is the ONLY STISTER (because she couldn't pronounce it as a kid) ...that I have.

3~Dad: We struggle from time to time, but I've got sweet memories of us doing the most basic stuff. I love him dearly. He's toughed out the trials of addiction and has been a trooper since my grandmother (his mom) passed last year. In spite of our personal ups and downs...I am proud of him.

4~Joy: My "BFF", "bestie", "sister", all that shit. I actually want to veer away from the whole "claiming" of my closest peeps because it makes their position in my life seem small. This woman has been there for me when shit got real. We've "argued" all of a booming two times...with little to no raised voices and ending convos with nothing short of giggles and "I love you". Nothing beats her coming out of her own comfort zone (extreme dislike for funerals) to support me when my grandmother died in 2010. That's the shit friendship is made of...

5~Grandma C: My maternal grandmother...the last one standing. My grandma can be evil as a snake. LMAO I ain't lying...I swear, ask any one of the OLDER grands (them young ones escaped her wrath somehow). She's quick with her sword...tongue, I mean...and she can hurt the feelings of the strongest soldier. Hell, I'm STILL waiting for her to induct me BACK in the family. (She disowned me in anger like 15 years ago) LMAO! Through it all...I love my grandma. I accept her for who she is...and I don't let her get away with her maniacal ways. I, the consummate Capricorn am the perfect "devil's advocate" to patronizingly, condescendingly, but subtly scold the Taurean bull. *insert a pic of a seagoat popping out of the water and saying, "Hey...Bully...ya kinda loud. I can hear ya'z aaaawl de way down to de bottom o' de sea AND at de top o' de bluff. Sheesh Louise...lay off de caffeine will ya?" The bull says with a smile of embarrassment, "Oh...hush, chile. Lemme gruff."* By the time the seagoat consents to let the bull do what she do...she forgot why she do what she do. That's me and Grandma in a nutshell. My lady. :)

S/N: I'm completing this blog after just waking up at 6:51am...so, I hope that explains the colorful description up there. LOL

6~Deanna aka DeeBo: I met this chick through her ex. I knew him first on another social site called Multiply a few years back and when he began dating her...she became a part of the circle of friends I had there. Eventually, she and I hit it off past his inclusion and became pretty damn close without him. (I'm always stealing male friends female friends and/or lovers) LMAO. She's indeed one of my SiStars along with her BFF Harmony. Dee is one of those folks on this planet who I have that psychic connection with. We almost ALWAYS feel the other and pick up the phone at the exact moment we're thinking of the other. I ain't gonna even say it's weird...it is what it is.

7~Maria aka Sangria Soose: *she gone cuss me good for that one* :::snickering like Mutley::: ENTY WHO...THIS chick right here? Is one of those friendships that folks are STILL looking at me like, "You good...you real good..." They can't understand how I got SO close to someone who was involved with my ex right after the last time he and I broke up. Yep. She be his next after me. She came out of nowhere (well not really...I remembered her vaguely from the old Yahoo 360 site). She needed to get some answers after they broke up and BANG! BOOM! The inbox convo became a phone convo became a friendship that I cherish dearly. I can't say anything more about my KinTwin...except, she's "thwee" and likes Pooh. LMAO *running*

8~Chuck aka Cee aka Puff: The watch dude. That's what I remembered about him from Yahoo 360 (running theme of my friendships, huh?) His profile pic was always either a watch or a teddy bear...a naked teddy (smh). He and I didn't get close though until the summer of 2010. I'd lost my grandma and broken ties with a few important people and out of concern...he reached out. We've been blowing up each other's cells ever since. He makes sure I'm okay and I make sure he's okay. We're a support system and a source of silly shenanigans. He's also the damned reason I am a newborn watch lover and back on that shit (aka shop TV). That's my figga if he don't get no bigga.

9~Caprice aka Preecey: I met this star through Joy. Caprice, Chante, N'Tirzah and Rachael are another group of "SiStars" that I love. We connect over artful events and food. LOL We are part of a sister circle whose purpose is to be a source of support. Though our time together is often sporadic, Preecey and I still check in on each other. When we DO talk, we tend to go hours, not because we're catching up...but, because we're always spanning the spectrum of convo. If I didn't see her on FB at least, I'd be sad...:(

10~Tei: I'll call her the "surprise". She and I also met on 360. We ALSO met similarly to Maria and I. Her ex became my next and then when he was my ex, we became each other's bane of existence. We could've NEVER known how close we'd be...but, I can say that this woman and I have a TRULY deep connection that touches spirit and mind in a way I don't often experience with others. I've always been the go-to friend-erapist...the one that people seek to speak to, in order to make sense out of things. Basically, she's for me what I am to others. She doesn't lie to me, she doesn't coddle me, she's not afraid for me to be mad at her truth (but then neither are them chicks and dude up there ^^^) LOL...but, she's more straight to the core of me. She almost NEVER misses the mark on where I'm coming from...and she always turns my words in on me in a way that makes me wanna jump through the phone and wrestle her. LOL ...she also has the best Jamaican accent I know and that usually makes it all better. hehe

You know what? This is MY damn challenge and I'm bending rules. Shit, I think I saw someone list several folks (which WONT the point, but hell...these answers are OUR interpretations. THAT is the point) I love my ENTIRE family on BOTH sides (that list would be hella long) LOL

I LOVE: Aly and Syre and Michael and Mahogany and Quinny and Scarlett and Budda and Renee and Renee (lol) and Dani and Val and Al and Kena and Tish and Insane and Erika and Chi and Yesha and Gina and hold up...this is getting too long. LMAO

I gotta go. I'm tide. I love you ALL!!

9~ Different Than Before

2011-06-26T00:22:00.003-04:00

Tell us about the first time you ever made love (not had sex)

The 1st love and I had become estranged. I won't go into details...but, I'll say it was my very first experience of a friend's betrayal with my love. For the longest time afterward I spoke to neither of them...and to be fair, when I decided to forgive one...I forgave BOTH. (Although, the friendship between chick and I was never quite restored. Hey, neither was mine and his!)

I was home. Sitting my little sister and a young lady from the church family we were a part of at the time. My sister had been told numerous times to NOT let dude in, but she had a soft spot for him just like I did. The doorbell rang and even though I KNOW my sister told the young lady (her name was Mo) that I didn't wanna talk to this cat...they both still let him up the stairs.

There I was in the kitchen and when I peeked past the door (thinking I heard his voice in the house) there he was...

~sigh~

Fine as ever...

::FUCK::

I threw on my straightest face possible and asked what he was doing there. That I still didn't want to discuss anything with him. He practically begged me to take a walk with him back home. He wanted to talk to me and apologize...he just didn't want to do it with the youngins around. I caved. I didn't want them hearing either...besides...my mother didn't like people in her house when she wasn't around. I was 18, so I had to do what she asked.

I told the girls I'd be back...and off he and I went. We walked the short block to his apt. Turned out, his mom and sis had moved and all but a few things the place was empty. He was about to move into a room, but had a key still.

As I sat on the old freezer he stood between my legs as they dangled and begged me to forgive him. He said sorry a lot...and honestly he rarely ever apologized. This was new. ::pause::

For the record...he and I had a sexual relationship that didn't span the intense emotions of passion and lovemaking. We had sex...up to this point. I knew the difference the moment he kissed me in a way he never had... >>play>>

He kissed me and held my face. I felt like crying and I'm sure he could tell. He took my hand and led me to the back room. There...he kissed me. He gently unbuttoned my shirt as he kissed my neck. (another tidbit of info...as youngins...we rarely were ever full-on buck-it naked. There was always SOME article of clothing remaining) He fully unclothed me and laid me down. He undressed and laid with me...touching, kissing, holding me...sweetly.

(another tidbit [I hope he doesn't read this and kill me, lol] ...we used the rhythm method. He always pulled out)

...not this time. THIS time...he and I stroked back and forth into and onto each other with a passion I hadn't quite felt from him. Him deeeeeep in me as I straddled and let him apologize. When it was time to pull out...he didn't. He held me tightly and that shocked the hell outta me. We laid there...naked...until we fell asleep. I actually awoke to him watching TV and it being dark outside. He apologized some more and wanted me to stay...but, I couldn't. I had to go check on the two chicks I left home.

From that point on, our time together had more meaning than it had before...until it was no more.